Ramblings of a Healing Heart, Part Three: Dispelling Myths

This is the third in a series of posts taken from recordings of my thoughts.  Please understand that what follows was transcribed from a recording and not put together as a well-edited, read-only document.  Read accordingly...

Not of this world...  based on scripture by Paul… We are to be in this world, but not of this world.  So, striving to be not of this world...  I will attempt to dispel a few of the myths that the world is telling me…

Myth Number One:  Money matters. 

Sometimes I forget how poor I am.  I’m pretty poor… and it takes a lot of help from a lot of places for me to get through a month.  And sometimes I forget how poor I am.  Not because I go out and spend money I don’t have, but because my life is fine without it.  We don’t go to the movies.  We don’t go out to eat.  We don’t go to the symphony.  We don’t go to Disneyland.  We don’t do a lot of things… but we do enjoy each other.  We do have game night.  We do have movie night.  We do go to the library.  We do go to the park.  We do laugh, and have a great time.  And we run.  And we ride bikes.  And we garden in our backyard.  And…  do so much.  And most of what we do is interpersonal.  Where most of what we don’t do is… individual.  Going to the movies might be great, but once they turn off the lights you don’t talk to the person next to you.  It’s just you and the movie screen.  And, you know, buying tickets to the symphony… same thing.   And trust me, I love the symphony so I don’t say that meanly.  But what we do is a whole lot more family interactive. 

I don’t hire babysitters.  Which, you know, is a pain in the tail, because I never get any time off, but it also means that where one of us goes we all go.  So we end up supporting each other, and spending a lot more time together, and being in the car, and singing along with the radio… and doing things that wouldn't happen if people were left at home with a babysitter.  So, dispel myth number one – money matters.  It’s not about money.  How many verses are in the Bible about serving money?  And how dangerous it is…  And putting money before other priorities… and money before family.  And, you know, money… money can be an evil thing.  And very easily. 

Myth Number Two:  People are expendable.

One of the hardest things for me as a divorced mom… of five… to do… is to teach my children that God hates divorce.  That it is wrong.  That it is not necessary, except in extreme situations.  That God can renew anything.  God can rebuild anything.  God can restore any relationship.  And that one day when they get married they make a commitment for their entire life.  Through good… and through bad.  In sickness… and in health.  For, you know, richer and poorer.  It’s not you're married when it feels good and then when you think someone else feels better you run off and go be with that person.  Or you’re married until it gets hard, and somebody is sick and life isn't so fun, and you’re spending a lot of time dealing with their illness… be it physical or mental, short-term or chronic.  And you don’t just quit and walk away because you’re tired of having to help them.  And when times get tough and you have to work a little harder to pay the bills, or you can’t pay the bills, or you have so much money you can throw it in the wind… you don’t just walk away because now life is boring.. or life is hard. 

And that is one of the hardest things to teach my kids, because the example that they see is… life got hard, and the marriage ended.  And that was that.  And now, you know, Mom can look for a new husband or Dad can look for a new wife.  They can go find somebody else, or go find something new, or do something different.  And as much as I want them to learn that yes, if I am ever to be in a relationship again I will do things differently…  I’ve learned a lot about myself… and I’ve learned most of all how to better be Jesus to my spouse...  And I hope that if I do get married again , or am even in a relationship again, that that newfound knowledge follows through.  But that is one of the hardest things.  And one of the myths to dispel is that people are expendable.  People aren’t expendable.  People are people.  And even when you’re angry with them, or you don’t understand them, or they hurt you… they’re still people.  And we’re still called to pray for them… and to minister to them… and to be Jesus to them... even when it's hard.

Myth Number Three:  You have to be married – single isn’t good enough. 

I was married… for almost twenty years… and I loved it.  I loved my husband.  I loved my family.  I loved, okay not every aspect of my life… but I loved the dreams we had, and the future we had planned, and all of the potential that was in front of us.  So, if things were hard, and we were going through deployment number three or four… or, you know, I was working full time with kid number three or four on it’s way...  It was okay.  It was worth it.  Because the trade-off was the future that was coming.  The potential.  So, I get… I get that the world says, “You need to be married.  You need to be part of a couple.”  The message that you need to be in a relationship.  You need this or that.  You can’t be on your own.  God intends people to be with people.  And that might be true, but I will also tell you that I am single… and I am whole. 

Honestly, I’m probably more whole now than I was when I was married.  Because when you’re single, you don’t have anybody to clean up after you.  To clean up your emotional mess…  To carry you through… And as hard as that is, it’s also a real growth experience because you learn… to do it yourself… to face the music.  You learn to do the hard stuff, to step up, to take care of yourself, to stop waiting for someone to rescue you, to stop counting on someone else to do it, to stop feeling sorry for yourself because nobody is.  Because it’s you.  It’s your responsibility, and it’s your place.  And, yes, you need help.  And, yes, people will step in.  But ultimately, at the end of the day, it’s you and God.  And you’ve got to throw it at His feet and say, “I’m here, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I am by myself, and I can’t do this by myself, and I need You, Lord, more than ever in my entire life because I can’t do this by myself.”  And that is one of the most freeing things about being single. 

I don’t have someone else to rely on.  I don’t have someone in the back of mind that keeps me saying, “Gosh, I wish he would do this,” or “I wish he would do that,” or “if he would only do this,” or “if we could only do that.”  It’s just me and God.  And there’s nothing I have to bring to God to help Him. 

When you’re married it’s a trade-off...  You bring things to the relationship to help complete your spouse, and your spouse brings things to the relationship that help to complete you.  But God is complete.  He doesn't need me to bring anything.  And as messed up as I am, and as needy as I am, and as incomplete as I am, and as desperate as I am for Him to fill in the holes and repair the cracks, and renew me and refresh me…  I bring Him nothing. 

He needs nothing from me.  And He still has His arms open wide saying, “Come.  Come be with Me!  Come!”  And it’s not because He wants anything.  It’s not a human relationship where we say, “Come, be with me… I love the feel of your arm around me…I love the comfort of holding your hand…I love waking up in the morning and seeing your smiling face…or your messed up hair,” whatever the case may be.  You know, we are in relationships that no matter how unselfish they be, they are still fulfilling for us. 

God doesn’t need us.  He is complete without us.  And yet He longs for us to be with Him.  And that is a whole different kind of worth than being in a human relationship.  We can want somebody to long to be with us.  We can want that late night phone call.  We can want that romantic dinner.  We can want that note left on the mirror in the bathroom.  We can want all those things… to feel needed… to feel loved…  And God gives it to us all…  He longs for us to come and be with Him.  He doesn’t need us…  He doesn’t need us to help Him feel good.  He doesn’t need us to help Him feel complete.  He doesn’t need us to make Him feel special.  And yet, He wants us anyway. 

So, the myth is – you have to be in a relationship to be whole.  You have to have somebody else.  The truth is, you don’t need another human being to be whole.  It’s you and Christ.  And He can fill any hole… far better than any human being can.  Because humans give… but they also take.  It’s a trade-off.  And with God, the trade-off is:  He already gave.  He gave it all.  He gave His son… so that we can come… and give nothing in return.  Myth number three – dispelled.  You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to be whole.  Christ wants you in a relationship... with Him... wholly.  

Ramblings of a Healing Heart, Part Two: The Amputee

This is the second in a series of posts taken from recordings of my thoughts.  Please understand that what follows was transcribed from a recording and not put together as a well-edited, read-only document.  Read accordingly...

You hurt me.  You hurt me like… you hurt me the same as if you had unexpectedly amputated a portion of my body.  The pain was excruciating.  The shock overwhelming...  And the feeling of defeat… just… completely pervasive. 

And you left me… in that state… to tend to my son… who was already fighting his way back from so much trauma, and so much upheaval, and so much fear, and doubt, and frustration, and change...  And I was handicapped...  Unable to help.  Unable to do what I was called to do.  What he needed me to do.  Unable to be there for the girls… 

They needed strength.  They needed security.  They needed confidence.  And what they had was a wounded… a wounded mother.  A wounded… unexpectedly, wounded parent.  As disabled as an amputee would be in the hospital. 

But just like an amputee, whether the amputation is expected and planned for some medical purpose or, more likely, unexpected…  Catastrophic…  I had a choice to make.  To be the victim.  To feel pity.  To give up.  To believe that life was no longer worth living.  That I would never be the same so it didn’t matter.  That the pain was just too much, and would never subside, and the best way to get through was to escape.  Or to fight.  To fight for recovery.  To fight for life.  To fight for the things that were important to me.  To choose to win.  To choose to survive.  To choose to not let an amputation defeat my entire being.  And I made mistakes...  And I screwed up…. But every decision I’ve made has been with the intent of living through it.  Of growing stronger.  Of using it for God’s glory.  For not letting Satan have the final say. 

I live with the same type of phantom pain that might accompany an amputee.  That piece of me is gone.   I’ll never get it back.  I’ll never see it again.  And yet, there are times I feel it as if it’s there.  Life was good.  Love was good… Divorce rips people apart.  It’s not the ending of a relationship, it’s the separation of a union.  Two people become one.  And when you split those two, they don’t just unstick.  They’re glued together.  Like paper.  When you glue two pieces of paper together you can’t just suddenly decide twenty years later to rip them apart and expect them to come right back to the way they were.  Little pieces of each will remain on each side.  Little holes and tears will show up on each piece.  There are scars that will follow me the rest of my life.  Just as if I had lost a limb.  The limb won’t grow back…  The scars will remain…  But life doesn’t have to end. 

There are plenty of amputees doing far more amazing things than they ever dreamed they would do before they lost whatever limb of their body.  Or limbs.   I have done things in the last two years, the last two-and-a-half years, that I never in my wildest dreams would have thought to do.  I ran a marathon!  A complete marathon!  26.2 miles.  Okay, I walked and ran a marathon… but I… I… the thought that I even signed up for it… The fact that I even dreamed of doing it…  Thought I could accomplish it.  Set the goal.  Did the training.  Put in the hours.  Put in the work.  I never in my life would have dreamed that I would ever accomplish a marathon.  And now I think, “Hey, that was fun! Let’s do another one.” 

I’m a changed person.  I’m the same person.  The same with scars.  The same and changed.  I’m not better, not worse - just changed.  Like an amputee who has lost a leg, or lost an arm, or maybe lost more than one...  They are not better or worse.  They are the same person… they are just changed.  And each day they decide what to do with that change.  Do they let the change… do they let the injury… do they let the missing piece define them?  Or do they let the pieces that survived be what makes them new each day? 

God makes all things new.  His mercies are new every single day.  And He renews what’s been beaten, what’s been bruised, what’s been tossed aside.  He is there for the hurt.  He is there for the sorrowful.  He is there when we make bad decisions that result in terrible consequences.  And He is there when other people make decisions that cause us pain.  But the fact of the matter is He’s there. 

Yesterday. 

Today. 

Tomorrow. 

And as a marriage amputee, I choose to follow that.  To stay with Him.  With my missing parts.  With the phantom pain.  With the memories of what was.  But with a hope… for tomorrow.  A hope of all things new.  A hope of beauty from ashes.  A hope that the changes that have been made in me will glorify Him, and that I will use all that He has given me – including the affliction and the pain – to worship Him.  And to help others follow Him as well.

I am not the same.  You have wounded me.  But I was not left for dead.  I was not left alone.  I was not tossed aside and kicked under a bag of trash and forgotten by the world.  My Heavenly Father never left me.  He sat by my bedside.  He directed the doctors.  He provided me wise counsel.  And He’s nursed me back to health. 

The phantom pain will follow me… but it’s not a daily thing anymore.  My future overshadows it.  And if there is one thing I would tell anyone in any sort of similar situation… it hurts…  the pain is real… the trauma excruciating.  But you have to decide from the beginning what will define you.  Will it be the pain?  Will it be someone else’s choice?  Or will it be the Father? 

Choose the Father. 

Let Him make all things new. 

Give Him time.  Give Him space.  And wait… as He works on you.  The light on the other side is brighter than you can imagine.  And you’ll never be the same…  but you can be changed and survive.  You can be changed and thrive.

Ramblings of a Healing Heart, Part One: This is My Time

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here.  I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but today I am back (again, not sure if that’s a good thing or bad) and I’m trying something a bit new. 

One of the reasons I don’t post here much anymore is simply because I don’t have the time at my computer to do so, but I recently found a possible solution to that issue.  Now that I have turned the corner of technology and have a “smart” phone, I have started talking to myself in the car.  Okay, I’ve always talked to myself aloud just a bit, but now I can actually record my musings and not have to retain anything of consequence in my head for later transcription from memory.  I can actually record things (cool!) and then transcribe them later when I have time.  Of course, I still haven’t done that either – something about that time at my computer thing – but today I’m going to try. 

Over the past couple months I have recorded several such monologues and as I finally reviewed them this morning, I find that they are an amazing record of the amazing work God has been doing in my life, and that is worth sharing.  So, that is what I am going to do.  Piece by piece.  One recorded musing at a time.   This is the first one, there are a few more coming.  They may seem a bit odd, as I simply am transcribing them from stream of consciousness recordings rather than writing a well-edited read-only document, but I’m going to try it.  Hopefully you’ll catch something meaningful in them.  Hopefully God will use them to His glory.  And hopefully you won’t think I’ve completely gone off the deep end.

All that said, here goes… 

Part One – This is My Time

This is my time. 

My time to be single.  My time to learn to love God better.  To learn to love myself.  To learn to take care of myself.  To be free.  To have fun.  To enjoy life.  Like I did when I was in college… when I would say that I was, you know, “High on life”.  And it’s been a long time since I’ve been high on life. 

This is my time - I’m getting a redo, a second chance.  I could spend all my time feeling sorry for myself, that I’m alone, and that I lost my marriage, and my husband...  But that’s all looking backward.  This is my time to look forward.  I don’t know how long this time will last…  It could end tomorrow.  It could end in five minutes when I walk into Costco…  I could run into the man of my dreams and fall madly in love and run off to be missionaries together and praise God and use all of our talents and desires to live for Him.  And be perfectly happy, and in love with God still… but it wouldn’t be the same. 

This is my time to be me.  This is my time to enjoy Him fully.  To have Him to myself.  To be selfish.  And to just… be me.  Everything happens for a reason, and God uses everything.  This is my time.  My beauty from ashes.  And there will be more beauty.  And there will be more ashes.  But right now this is my time to enjoy the beauty from ashes.  And I plan to live it.  I worked hard to get here, and it’s not that I deserve anything…  I worked hard to get here… and I’m happy to be here.  And I don’t want to waste it. 

What good is it to be here if I let it go by and not enjoy it and let God show me.  I’ve been looking for Him for so long.  Trying to find Him… find what He wants.  And I would be stupid to spend all that time and then ignore the chance I have to see it all.  This is my time. 

This is my time to be me. 

This is my time to love Him. 

This is my time to let Him dote on me, to let Him be my husband, to let Him show me what real love is.  To let Him romance me, and talk me into crazy things, and just put a smile on my face for the little things.  Just the little thoughts.  All those things we want an earthly husband to do.  All those things that you read about in romance books, or see in chick flicks, or, you know, dream about when you’re daydreaming or watching some other cute couple walk by.  This is my time… to let God love me.  To love on me. 

He loves me all the time.  He wants to love on me all the time.  But when life picks up it’s like Paul said, the married are distracted by the things of this world and the unmarried can really focus on Christ.  And I think I missed that when I was young.  I mean, I loved God, and I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.  And I was in high school when I committed to wanting to use my life to serve Him, but I missed all that Paul stuff.  The focus on Him.  The not being distracted.  Now being distracted by a family is not a bad thing…  God wants us to be happy.  He wants us to love each other.  He wants us to find love.  He wants us to….  He established marriage. He created the idea.  Obviously it’s not a bad thing, it’s something that He desires for us to have.  But He also desires us to desire Him.  And to be focused on Him.  And earthly distractions are just that.  And this is my time. 

This is my time to be wholly His.  To be holy.  To be set apart.  To relish in whatever He puts before me.  I heard a saying a long time ago, that “you’ll be ready to remarry when you don’t need to.”  And I know that’s true.  And now, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to...  I want to.  I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I want a partner.  I want a partner in crime… I want a partner in worship… I want a partner in parenting.  I want a partner in bike riding, and running, and being silly, and staying up late… eating too many cookies, and saying silly things, and sending silly text messages.  Oh, a partner in everything.  A partner to wake up to in the morning, a partner to snuggle up with at night…  I want it all. 

I desire it all. 

But not right now. 

If I walk into Costco and fall in love with the man of my dreams, and that’s the appointed time and place that God has chosen to direct my path… Great.  I am not going to run screaming from the building saying, “Sorry!  I’m having too much fun by myself!”  But from here… to the curb… I’m going to enjoy it. 

I don’t know how long I have this time to be alone.  I don’t know how long I have this time to live in this place.  And life will be great when I’m out of this place.  And life was great before.  Yes… the last couple years have been a little bit worse than the rest, but I have been blessed beyond measure.  I had a wonderful husband, and a loving marriage, and beautiful children, and dreams, and successes and failures and hand-holding, and arguments… and snuggling, and separations…  You know, gosh, I’ve lived a FULL life and I’m not even that old.  I mean, my kids will tell you that I’m old, but… 

I’ve been the army wife.  I’ve been the stay-at-home mom.  I’ve been the working mom.  I’ve been the married with no kids.  I’ve been through deployment.  I’ve been through buying a house, selling a house… adoption, birth… moving.  Bouncing checks… having money to blow.  I’ve had… I’ve had it all.  And this is right now.  And right now is good.  And I’m okay.  And I’m happy.  And I’m content. 

I’ve often talked about content – the difference between happy and content, but I am truly content.  I have learned so much in the last couple of years.  I have drawn so much closer to God, and I have such a better relationship with Christ than I ever had - that I ever understood that I could have.  Talk about beauty from ashes…  I mean, that is the most beautiful thing in the world.  And that’s where I am. 

I am ready to enjoy the beauty.  The ashes are there…  There’s kind of a layer of them all around the place… on the shelves, on the couch, on the flower petals.  But the beauty is there.  And this is my time.  This is my time.  To be romanced by the King of kings.  To be treated like a queen.  Like a princess.  Like royalty.  To be treated the way I never dreamt, never imagined that it would be.  I’m not alone.  I am loved, and I am pursued, and this is my time. 

My time to be. 

My time to enjoy. 

And my time to go to Costco… 

So, for at least the next twenty-five steps I will enjoy it.  And… if I get inside and Mr. Right is waiting for me, Mr. Wonderful… I’ll be well.  But Mr. Wonderful is already with me.  He goes everywhere with me.  And that’s okay, because this is my time.  And I plan to enjoy it.

May the peace that passes all understanding lead us, and our hearts and our minds to Christ Jesus, who is and who was and who is to come.  Amen.

Food for Valentine's Thought...

Okay, so, I have never really actually appreciated this whole Valentine’s Day thing.  I don’t know, maybe as a kid I thought it was cool, but I really don’t remember ever thinking that.  I know in high school it pretty much came and went as no big deal, and I will confess that in college my roommate and I once made a point of going to the movies that evening dressed in all black to protest the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing.  And even when I was married it never seemed a really big deal – or at least not a big enough one for me to actually remember a special event or occasion or anything.  Okay, there was the year we ate our Valentine’s dinner at O’Charley's in Franklin, TN, but I really only remember that one because we were planning our strategy for getting through our first deployment and we found out later that while we were having that dinner Jolene was being born on the far side of the world... kinda memorable, but still not really about Valentine's Day.  So... 

          all that to say… 

                    I’m really not into this whole Valentine’s Day thing.

BUT…

          I have an idea.

What if this year we all did something a little different?  I know that the whole idea of the American Valentine’s Day is to tell those you love that you love them, but shouldn’t we be doing that every day?  

Cookies, flowers, candy, chocolate…  all those things are great, and Hallmark and Godiva make a killing off the whole Valentine’s thing, but really, why just this ONE day? (I guess that’s kind of my problem with the whole thing in the first place…)  

But I digress…

What if this year, instead of showering love on our spouses, children, significant others, best friends, etc…  we made a purposeful effort to show love to those who are the hardest to show love to?  (That doesn’t mean you can’t still shower the first list of folks with holiday greetings, I’m just suggesting a marked effort to do more this year.)

What if this year we all made a choice to do just one random act of kindness to share Valentine’s Day with someone we wouldn’t normally shower?

No, I’m not talking about sending flowers or buying jewelry for the neighbor who yells at your dog.  I’m just suggesting you reach out a bit and do one little thing for someone you would normally just leave alone.

How about leaving an apple or a muffin on the desk of that fellow employee who always looks miserable and rejected?

How about putting a candy bar in the box of that teacher who drives you crazy during staff meetings?

How about leaving a post-it note “Smile” on the computer monitor of that hard to love office mate while he or she is away from the cubicle for a minute?

How about leaving a “Have a great day” note on the windshield of your neighbor’s car?

Send an email… an e-card… a text message… or (heaven forbid!) a written note to that hard-to-love friend you usually avoid…

Just a simple message: 

     Thinking of you today.

          Praying for you today.

               Hoping you have a great day.

Or even something as novel as “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

This is my challenge this year.  To step out of my comfort zone and make Valentine’s Day a day that actually impacts someone beyond me and beyond those people who deep down know I love them whether I send them a cutesy “Bee Mine” valentine or not.  This year my goal is to make a difference.  Even if it is just a momentary flash of a smile brought by an unexpected gesture before that hard-to-love soul returns to being whatever form of grouchy made him/her difficult to love in the first place.

My kids have been reminding each other all week that “we love because He first loved us.”  Amen to that.  No one deserves to be loved.  But in God's eyes everyone is.  And everyone should have the opportunity to know that.  

So I challenge you to join me in my own little challenge – this Valentine’s Day, reach out of your comfort zone and show a little love to someone you would normally allow to remain in your peripheral vision. 

     Don’t do it for a thank you.

          Don’t do it to look good.

               Don’t do it in some effort to form good karma.

                    Don’t do it because I told you to. 
                       (Okay, maybe a little of that one is necessary…)

 Just go NIKE for a minute and Do It.

I promise you, if you reach out in even the most simplest way to change one second of someone else’s day, you yourself will be changed for the better by proxy.  As my kids’ keep saying (and singing…), “We love because He first loved us.”  And if that is your battle plan, well then, you've got this challenged aced. 

Still in the Waiting

Lately I’ve been struggling (again) about just what I am supposed to be doing right now and just what I am comfortable expecting from life.  I’ve got one voice telling me I should be dating, and my own heart doubting that such a thing will ever be in the cards again.  I’ve got one voice telling me to take care of myself and live beyond just taking care of my kids, and the other side telling me that until my finances are on solid ground I have no business focusing on anything other than caring for my kids. One voice telling me to find employment and another telling me to be fully available to my children.  And the voices rage on against each other.  The guilt battles the self-preservation desires.  The empty bank account challenges God’s promises of provision.  The exhaustion defies the never-ending to-do list.  And basically I’ve gone right back to carrying the burden of too many voices, too many doubts, too many challenged dreams and too little quiet.

Psalm 46:10 tells us clearly, “Be still, and know that I am God!”  And so, yesterday I was.  I dropped off the kids, parked the car, left the cell phone behind, and turned off the world for a while.  And you know; it was exactly what I needed to do.  Just me, my thoughts, the crashing waves upon Sunset Cliffs and my God.  And after finding the perfect bench, in the perfect spot, I simply bowed my head and listened. 

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

So hard to do sometimes, and yet so simple.  Be still.  Know that I am God.

And you know what He told me?  That I already have the answers.  That I have already found the place He has for me right now and that in the midst of life’s noise and chaos I have let all the voices throw me off kilter and lose my focus.  I’ve let the world’s opinion and to-do list and how-to-be advice taint the leading He has already put before me and it is all trying to drown out the only Voice that really matters.

Be still.  And know that I am God.

So simple.  And yet so very, very hard to maintain.

The Lord promises that He will never give us more than we can handle.  And He promises to always provide us with all we need.  If I truly believe those promises to be true, than how can I question His provision at any time for any need?  I find it so easy to trust Him to provide food for my children and yet so difficult to believe He will one day provide me a life beyond “Mom”.  But as He reminded me there on those cliffs, as I listened to the waves crash again and again, He is faithful.  And He will provide in His time.

It doesn’t matter if my life isn’t moving on some other human’s prescribed timeline.  God works in His own time.  I am not alone right now because I am not worthy of a partner, nor is it because I am not doing what I am supposed to do to change things.  I am alone right now because that is where I am.  And as long as I remember I got here by asking for God’s direction and earnestly trying to follow His voice, then I can trust that it is right where I am supposed to be. 

For now.

It doesn’t mean I’ll be here forever.  It doesn’t mean things might not change drastically tomorrow.  But now is the time to find contentment in my circumstances.

I found that contentment a while back when I posted a blog about desiring a man without potential.  And wouldn’t you know it, that contentment was tested the very next day.  And the challenges have continued every day since – telling me how much “better” life would be with a man at my side, how great a date would be, how my dreams of romance and marriage will never be reality unless I make them a priority in my life right now.  And stupidly human as I am I have listened to those arguments and let each one of them challenge my resolve.  Until I was once again feeling lonely and defeated, and worse, unworthy of even presenting my dreams to God as desires in the first place.  And trust me, that is a place far from contentment.   

But there at the cliffs I found my way back a bit.  

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

It is amazing how clearly (and LOUD!) God speaks when I finally stop and really listen.  And His message to me yesterday morning was this:

Stay the course.  Be the mom.  Take this time to focus on your children and use the opportunity you have to focus on growing you.  There will be romance and the fulfillment of a committed Christian marriage later, for now just be you.  Trust Me.  My Grace will provide all of your desires in ways far beyond what you can imagine.  Today be you.  Grow you.  Refresh you.  Use this time to remember who you really are.  Recapture the pieces of you that have been lost along the way.  Dust off the gifts and passions you’ve let fall to the wayside.  Find a way to accept the idea of embracing the gifts you’ve denied yourself while life was overshadowed by depression.  Be still.  Wait on Me.  Listen for Me.  My timing is perfect.  Use the waiting to grow in Me and heal your heart and mind so that when love arrives you are ready to accept and enjoy all I am bringing you.  Be Still.  And know that I am God.

I recently asked a group of friends to pray over the phrase “dinner and a movie” for me.  Not that I would have a dinner and movie date, but that my heart would move beyond feeling unworthy of any blessings aimed at just me.  And I am so glad that I did.  I told the Lord in my own prayers, it’s not “dinner and a movie” that I am seeking, but a peace in knowing that having such a dream is acceptable to Him, not selfish on my part, and not wrong of me to pray over.  And those prayers have been answered just as before.  The Lord has pointed me back to the same place I was.  Contentment.  Contentment in the dreaming.  Contentment in the waiting.  Contentment in the place I am.

This is my time.  Time to be me.  Time to be content with focusing on myself and my choices for a bit.  Time to listen and follow and grow closer to the Lord.  Time to use the gifts God has given me to serve Him and lead my children in learning to use theirs.  A romantic relationship or job or simply dinner with a friend is not out of the realm of possibilities, but the best thing I can do while I wait for the opportunities God will provide is to use the waiting time to be still and draw closer to Him. 

Besides, isn’t that exactly what I am looking for on the other side?  A job serving His kingdom in a meaningful way?  Children rooted in solid relationships with Christ?  A man firmly grounded in the Word of God using his God-given gifts to serve and share Christ’s love with others?  Then why would I want to be a woman of any other kind?  If I am seriously asking God to provide me a life filled with no potential, than the best thing I can do while I’m waiting is use up my own potential serving Him as a woman of God.  No matter what the culture preaches or secular voices tell me, life is not about serving me.  It is about Him.  And my job is to be available to Him.  To find contentment in where He places me.  To be still.  And know that He is God.

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2

P.S.  Thank you to all who have been praying alongside me.  Depression continues to rear its ugly head in my life and even though I can see it and name it, it continues to grasp for a foothold in my thinking.  By the Grace of God He continues to hold me in His hand and guide me through.  I am so grateful for those whose prayers help me find my way through the darkness and continue to seek His light.  Thank you!

“Duh, Mom!” Moment #517

Last night I had one of those totally “duh” moments that anyone who has ever realized how simple something they thought was completely, overwhelmingly complicated will totally understand.  I was sitting in the hallway, monitoring the supposed-to-be-sleeping crew while reading the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe (yes, that’s the real title) by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson when I came across these words:

The only formula I want my children to tuck deep into their hearts is this:  God has weaved each of us uniquely, and we are wonderfully made in His image.  We have sin-tattered hearts, but Jesus mends them when we lean into Him and trust Him with our lives.  There’s the formula.  Give Him the bad, and He’ll give you the beautiful.  It’s the human story offered by a compassionate God.  “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13). (pgs 29-30)

Well, duh!  Don’t I already know this?  Don’t I dwell on it every day?  Well, yep, I do.  Unfortunately, I far too often dwell on it from the other direction.  Bad behavior, poor choices, lying, cheating, stealing, arguing, self-sabotage, defiance, and every other “sin” my children commit on a daily basis is all because of their sin-sick hearts, right?  (And, yes, I am very well aware that I just wrote “my children commit” knowing full-well I do exactly the same things.  Just as often.)

But see, the “duh” here came in the backward.  Instead of trying to change the behaviors to correct the heart, the job God has given me as a mother is to be focused on the Heart.  That sweet, genuine, loveable, though perhaps wounded and scarred, soul that is so precious to our heavenly Father.  If I can teach (convince?) my children of their extraordinary value in the eyes of their living Savior, then the behaviors currently produced by guilt, shame, jealousy, and the like will undoubtedly change as a result.

I mean, seriously, isn’t that exactly what I try to do daily with myself?  Study scripture, stay focused on godly things, shun Satan’s snares and tricks, all to stay close to the Father so that my every decision and action will have that much better chance of me NOT turning away from Him when tempted.  Focus the heart, change the behavior.  So why is it I am constantly trying to change my children’s behavior?

I have the same conversation quite often with two of my children that I cannot make sleep.  I can put them to bed on time.  We can read stories, brush teeth, pray, apply essential oils, turn off the lights, turn on peaceful music, etc., etc., but I cannot MAKE them sleep.  That choice must be theirs.  (And believe me, they have both made an art-form of staying awake.)  But maybe that’s just the “duh” point.  They don’t sleep because they both deal with extreme anxiety.  They are not trying to be defiant. (Okay, sometimes they are…)  They simply do not yet have the inner peace needed to truly relax and trust the world around them so that they can fall asleep upon crawling into bed. 

So, again, focus the heart, change the behavior.

But, of course, it’s not that easy.  Because the same is true in the opposite direction.  Hasn’t just this topic been the focus of my prayers for the wasband for going on two years now?  His heart was changed and so followed his behavior.  But both of those alterations were in a direction away from God.  And how easy is that?  Like SUPER EASY.  The human heart is a fickle thing.  Tempted to follow the voice that is the loudest.  The most exciting.  The most persistent.  The easiest to accept.  The most fun.  The one we think people are less likely to question.  The one with the quickest and most profitable rewards.  The voice offering the most immediate pleasurable outcome.

But God’s voice isn’t loud.  It isn’t non-confrontational.  It doesn’t always ask us to do the “easy” thing and it very often requires great faith in the waiting and strength in the position.  For God’s is a still, small voice.  Calling us to follow Him despite all the other voices vying for our attention.  No matter the cost.  No matter the popularity.  No matter the obstacles or the butting of heads that will ensue.   

But God’s voice always calls our hearts to His peace.

Which brings me back full-circle.  Change the heart, change the behavior.  Accept the Peace, walk with the Savior.  Know Jesus, follow His lead in confidence whether alone or with others.

So, “Duh, Mom” moment #517 –

Stop trying to micromanage the little things, Mom.  Lead their hearts to Christ and all the other stuff will follow.