Still in the Waiting

Lately I’ve been struggling (again) about just what I am supposed to be doing right now and just what I am comfortable expecting from life.  I’ve got one voice telling me I should be dating, and my own heart doubting that such a thing will ever be in the cards again.  I’ve got one voice telling me to take care of myself and live beyond just taking care of my kids, and the other side telling me that until my finances are on solid ground I have no business focusing on anything other than caring for my kids. One voice telling me to find employment and another telling me to be fully available to my children.  And the voices rage on against each other.  The guilt battles the self-preservation desires.  The empty bank account challenges God’s promises of provision.  The exhaustion defies the never-ending to-do list.  And basically I’ve gone right back to carrying the burden of too many voices, too many doubts, too many challenged dreams and too little quiet.

Psalm 46:10 tells us clearly, “Be still, and know that I am God!”  And so, yesterday I was.  I dropped off the kids, parked the car, left the cell phone behind, and turned off the world for a while.  And you know; it was exactly what I needed to do.  Just me, my thoughts, the crashing waves upon Sunset Cliffs and my God.  And after finding the perfect bench, in the perfect spot, I simply bowed my head and listened. 

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

So hard to do sometimes, and yet so simple.  Be still.  Know that I am God.

And you know what He told me?  That I already have the answers.  That I have already found the place He has for me right now and that in the midst of life’s noise and chaos I have let all the voices throw me off kilter and lose my focus.  I’ve let the world’s opinion and to-do list and how-to-be advice taint the leading He has already put before me and it is all trying to drown out the only Voice that really matters.

Be still.  And know that I am God.

So simple.  And yet so very, very hard to maintain.

The Lord promises that He will never give us more than we can handle.  And He promises to always provide us with all we need.  If I truly believe those promises to be true, than how can I question His provision at any time for any need?  I find it so easy to trust Him to provide food for my children and yet so difficult to believe He will one day provide me a life beyond “Mom”.  But as He reminded me there on those cliffs, as I listened to the waves crash again and again, He is faithful.  And He will provide in His time.

It doesn’t matter if my life isn’t moving on some other human’s prescribed timeline.  God works in His own time.  I am not alone right now because I am not worthy of a partner, nor is it because I am not doing what I am supposed to do to change things.  I am alone right now because that is where I am.  And as long as I remember I got here by asking for God’s direction and earnestly trying to follow His voice, then I can trust that it is right where I am supposed to be. 

For now.

It doesn’t mean I’ll be here forever.  It doesn’t mean things might not change drastically tomorrow.  But now is the time to find contentment in my circumstances.

I found that contentment a while back when I posted a blog about desiring a man without potential.  And wouldn’t you know it, that contentment was tested the very next day.  And the challenges have continued every day since – telling me how much “better” life would be with a man at my side, how great a date would be, how my dreams of romance and marriage will never be reality unless I make them a priority in my life right now.  And stupidly human as I am I have listened to those arguments and let each one of them challenge my resolve.  Until I was once again feeling lonely and defeated, and worse, unworthy of even presenting my dreams to God as desires in the first place.  And trust me, that is a place far from contentment.   

But there at the cliffs I found my way back a bit.  

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

It is amazing how clearly (and LOUD!) God speaks when I finally stop and really listen.  And His message to me yesterday morning was this:

Stay the course.  Be the mom.  Take this time to focus on your children and use the opportunity you have to focus on growing you.  There will be romance and the fulfillment of a committed Christian marriage later, for now just be you.  Trust Me.  My Grace will provide all of your desires in ways far beyond what you can imagine.  Today be you.  Grow you.  Refresh you.  Use this time to remember who you really are.  Recapture the pieces of you that have been lost along the way.  Dust off the gifts and passions you’ve let fall to the wayside.  Find a way to accept the idea of embracing the gifts you’ve denied yourself while life was overshadowed by depression.  Be still.  Wait on Me.  Listen for Me.  My timing is perfect.  Use the waiting to grow in Me and heal your heart and mind so that when love arrives you are ready to accept and enjoy all I am bringing you.  Be Still.  And know that I am God.

I recently asked a group of friends to pray over the phrase “dinner and a movie” for me.  Not that I would have a dinner and movie date, but that my heart would move beyond feeling unworthy of any blessings aimed at just me.  And I am so glad that I did.  I told the Lord in my own prayers, it’s not “dinner and a movie” that I am seeking, but a peace in knowing that having such a dream is acceptable to Him, not selfish on my part, and not wrong of me to pray over.  And those prayers have been answered just as before.  The Lord has pointed me back to the same place I was.  Contentment.  Contentment in the dreaming.  Contentment in the waiting.  Contentment in the place I am.

This is my time.  Time to be me.  Time to be content with focusing on myself and my choices for a bit.  Time to listen and follow and grow closer to the Lord.  Time to use the gifts God has given me to serve Him and lead my children in learning to use theirs.  A romantic relationship or job or simply dinner with a friend is not out of the realm of possibilities, but the best thing I can do while I wait for the opportunities God will provide is to use the waiting time to be still and draw closer to Him. 

Besides, isn’t that exactly what I am looking for on the other side?  A job serving His kingdom in a meaningful way?  Children rooted in solid relationships with Christ?  A man firmly grounded in the Word of God using his God-given gifts to serve and share Christ’s love with others?  Then why would I want to be a woman of any other kind?  If I am seriously asking God to provide me a life filled with no potential, than the best thing I can do while I’m waiting is use up my own potential serving Him as a woman of God.  No matter what the culture preaches or secular voices tell me, life is not about serving me.  It is about Him.  And my job is to be available to Him.  To find contentment in where He places me.  To be still.  And know that He is God.

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2

P.S.  Thank you to all who have been praying alongside me.  Depression continues to rear its ugly head in my life and even though I can see it and name it, it continues to grasp for a foothold in my thinking.  By the Grace of God He continues to hold me in His hand and guide me through.  I am so grateful for those whose prayers help me find my way through the darkness and continue to seek His light.  Thank you!

“Duh, Mom!” Moment #517

Last night I had one of those totally “duh” moments that anyone who has ever realized how simple something they thought was completely, overwhelmingly complicated will totally understand.  I was sitting in the hallway, monitoring the supposed-to-be-sleeping crew while reading the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe (yes, that’s the real title) by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson when I came across these words:

The only formula I want my children to tuck deep into their hearts is this:  God has weaved each of us uniquely, and we are wonderfully made in His image.  We have sin-tattered hearts, but Jesus mends them when we lean into Him and trust Him with our lives.  There’s the formula.  Give Him the bad, and He’ll give you the beautiful.  It’s the human story offered by a compassionate God.  “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13). (pgs 29-30)

Well, duh!  Don’t I already know this?  Don’t I dwell on it every day?  Well, yep, I do.  Unfortunately, I far too often dwell on it from the other direction.  Bad behavior, poor choices, lying, cheating, stealing, arguing, self-sabotage, defiance, and every other “sin” my children commit on a daily basis is all because of their sin-sick hearts, right?  (And, yes, I am very well aware that I just wrote “my children commit” knowing full-well I do exactly the same things.  Just as often.)

But see, the “duh” here came in the backward.  Instead of trying to change the behaviors to correct the heart, the job God has given me as a mother is to be focused on the Heart.  That sweet, genuine, loveable, though perhaps wounded and scarred, soul that is so precious to our heavenly Father.  If I can teach (convince?) my children of their extraordinary value in the eyes of their living Savior, then the behaviors currently produced by guilt, shame, jealousy, and the like will undoubtedly change as a result.

I mean, seriously, isn’t that exactly what I try to do daily with myself?  Study scripture, stay focused on godly things, shun Satan’s snares and tricks, all to stay close to the Father so that my every decision and action will have that much better chance of me NOT turning away from Him when tempted.  Focus the heart, change the behavior.  So why is it I am constantly trying to change my children’s behavior?

I have the same conversation quite often with two of my children that I cannot make sleep.  I can put them to bed on time.  We can read stories, brush teeth, pray, apply essential oils, turn off the lights, turn on peaceful music, etc., etc., but I cannot MAKE them sleep.  That choice must be theirs.  (And believe me, they have both made an art-form of staying awake.)  But maybe that’s just the “duh” point.  They don’t sleep because they both deal with extreme anxiety.  They are not trying to be defiant. (Okay, sometimes they are…)  They simply do not yet have the inner peace needed to truly relax and trust the world around them so that they can fall asleep upon crawling into bed. 

So, again, focus the heart, change the behavior.

But, of course, it’s not that easy.  Because the same is true in the opposite direction.  Hasn’t just this topic been the focus of my prayers for the wasband for going on two years now?  His heart was changed and so followed his behavior.  But both of those alterations were in a direction away from God.  And how easy is that?  Like SUPER EASY.  The human heart is a fickle thing.  Tempted to follow the voice that is the loudest.  The most exciting.  The most persistent.  The easiest to accept.  The most fun.  The one we think people are less likely to question.  The one with the quickest and most profitable rewards.  The voice offering the most immediate pleasurable outcome.

But God’s voice isn’t loud.  It isn’t non-confrontational.  It doesn’t always ask us to do the “easy” thing and it very often requires great faith in the waiting and strength in the position.  For God’s is a still, small voice.  Calling us to follow Him despite all the other voices vying for our attention.  No matter the cost.  No matter the popularity.  No matter the obstacles or the butting of heads that will ensue.   

But God’s voice always calls our hearts to His peace.

Which brings me back full-circle.  Change the heart, change the behavior.  Accept the Peace, walk with the Savior.  Know Jesus, follow His lead in confidence whether alone or with others.

So, “Duh, Mom” moment #517 –

Stop trying to micromanage the little things, Mom.  Lead their hearts to Christ and all the other stuff will follow.

Goals, Dreams and Atari Pitfall

The other day I was given an assignment by my counselor to determine at least one goal and one dream for myself going forward from this point.  Things that will make me feel happy, alive, content, motivated and satisfied.  Okay, to be perfectly honest, I was given that assignment almost two weeks ago and I have procrastinated greatly in doing what I was asked so I am here writing this down trying to get my thoughts together.  Okay, so I’ve thought about it before now, I have just somewhat purposefully put off making any kind of legitimate decision about anything because, well, because that would mean risking disappointment and failure.  And, well, I just don’t really want to deal with any of that right now.

Right now, I’m more of a “sure thing” kinda gal, at least where I have an option.  I’ve got the things I do, the hoops I jump through, the obstacles I navigate around, the pitfalls I’ve learned to swing my way across, and well, I’m feeling pretty good at those.  Right now.  There might be tough stuff along the way, but I’ve kind of formed a working relationship with them and we seem to respect each other’s perspectives at this point, and although I wouldn’t say we are a team we do coexist somewhat peacefully.  For right now.

Honestly, it's kind of like playing Atari Pitfall.  Backwards.   

Does anyone other than me actually remember that game?  A little man in green clothes (because there were only about three colors available on the screen) running through the forest searching for gold and bags of money and such.  I used to love that game (at least when I would go to my cousin's house, because we weren’t “cool” enough to have an Atari system.  Ha!).  And I could score really high too, but mainly because I played backward. 

For those unfamiliar with the concept of Pitfall, at the beginning of the game you were supposed to run your little man to the right and the jungle obstacles – crocodiles, rolling barrels, tar pits, etc. – would scroll across the screen as you ran toward the various treasures.  But if you turned around and ran to the left the screen would also scroll that direction, letting you reach the biggest treasures first while navigating the obstacles from behind.  And let me tell you, it is far easier to dodge a rolling barrel when you are running along behind it rather than having it roll headlong in your direction.  It’s also easier to jump on the toothless part of a crocodile head from behind.

Cheating, you say?  Well, yes, probably.  But I was seriously about ten years old so cut me a little slack if you don’t mind.  And, anyway, I prefer to call it “creative genius” as Pitfall and PacMan were about the extent of my home videogame system experiences until I started dating the wasband in college.  (At which time that list expanded to include Mario and Crash Bandicoot – whoo hoo!)

So, seriously, you're probably wondering, "Deb, what’s the point?"  You didn’t come over here to read about my Atari/PlayStation experience…  

Well, just as I found my groove with Pitfall so many lifetimes ago, I seem to have somewhat found my groove, as it may be, in my current existence.  And that is a good thing.  To an existent.  Good in that I have confidence in me (Yes, think Sound of Music if you like…).  Good in that I am content in my circumstances, growing in my faith, starting to make my own San Diego friends, feeling like I’m finding a bit more of my niche at church, etc.  But in many ways, I’ve also found a way to play the game backwards.  Playing it safe.  Avoiding conflict by running behind the obstacles rather than facing them head on.  And definitely living in the world of put-nothing-in-writing-that-you-don’t-want-to-be-called-out-on-later.

So, committing to goals and dreams is actually a pretty scary proposition at this point.  What if I set a goal – an actual personal, take-a-risk goal...and fail?  What if I share a real dream - a real-live I-really-wish-this-would-happen desire... and it blows up in my face?  

What if?  

What if.  

What if…

Now, the rational grown-up in me says, “So what?”, “Who cares?”, “Dream big or go home.”  But the scared little girl inside says, “No, no, no, I’ve been played for the fool before and I’m not going there again.”  My heart may be healing, but it’s still recovering from an unexpected attack and that has left me very wary of venturing far from what I can pre-screen, coordinate or thoroughly investigate before going in.  I’ve never been very brave, and have always tended to be the more observational wall-flower than the risk-taking social butterfly, but these days I tend to go to great lengths to keep my past wounds guarded from any danger of reinjury.  So that makes those “What if’s” very unsettling.

But I guess that’s really the point of the whole assignment, isn’t it?  To look beyond right now.  To challenge myself to grow.  And to dare myself to dream in color again.  To look into the future and see the potential, the what-do-I-really-want, for the rest of my life.  Because, you see, I’ve done that before.  I had a pocket full of goals and a heart full of dreams and they were all tossed asunder when my life was turned upside down by someone else’s choices.  Completely out of my control.  And the cold hard truth is, I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again.  I want to play it safe.  To know where the obstacles are ahead of time and sneak up on the crocodiles from behind.  But life doesn’t work like that.  And I’m not in control anyway.  There’s no Atari controller here.  No option to go backward, only forward.   

So, of course, I thought of you all.  To put everything out there for you and have a few hands to hold along the way...  If I’m going to dream, dream big, right?  So here goes...   

My official goals and dreams for my life to come – win or lose, succeed or fail – as of October 2, 2013.

The dream:

To fall in love with a Christ-centered man and experience a lifestyle of love and mutual ministry in our home and in public venues.  To go on family vacations.  To have lazy Saturday mornings with my children and best friend.  Dad playing ball with Jack (and probably a few of the girls). Mom serving holiday dinners with Dad at the head of the table and kids lined up along both sides.  Date-night with my husband that sometimes turns into a romantic overnight get-away.  And a house full of people who are secure enough in their Father’s love to walk in emotionally healthy relationships with friends and family leading to strong, committed friendships and marriages with Christ ever at their core.

That’s the dream.  A tall order maybe, but the romantic, old-fashioned notion that dominates my “perfect life” scenario.  Not riches or a jet-setting lifestyle.  Not perfect people in the perfect house with perfect jobs and perfect hair.  Just a household built around Christ, filled with people loving each other through thick and thin, enjoying every minute God has given us with each other, and never taking our blessings for granted.  The Dream.

And now for the more practical, more immediate, more me-responsible-for-doing-it part…

My Goals:

*To continue to grow and remain emotionally healthy and stable through sound counseling, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, and positive relationships.

*To continue to create a solid base of friends in the San Diego area so that I someday have a list of Someones to call on the rare occasion I have a free afternoon or evening.  

*To find a way to supplement my income without taking time and focus from providing Christ-centered healthy parenting for all five of my children.

*To spend more time writing and pursue the possibility of publishing a book of some kind.

*To reclaim my status of vocal and visible advocate for orphans and Show Hope despite my distance from their home-base and major activities.

*To use the experiences God has given me (and subsequent successes, scars. growth and knowledge) to help someone else through similar circumstances while bringing glory to God in the process.

*To continually put love before fear and frustration and never give up the dream of being an amazing woman of God unashamed of the journey I’m traveling to get there.

Well... I did it.   

I put all those I-wish thoughts that have been bouncing around in the vast space between my ears for months now down on paper and then on my computer and now out there in cyberspace for anyone in the world to stumble upon.  So, I guess that’s that.  We’ll just have to wait and see where I go from here.  

Anyone want to join me by putting your own Dream and Goals in writing?  Or sharing?  I make no claim to know where I am going in life or to have any control over much of anything, but regardless of my receiving or accomplishing any of what I’ve listed above, my prayer remains that the Lord guide each step I take and direct my heart to Him.  And may He do the same for you.  Share with another of just brainstorm for yourself.  But through it all, to Him be the glory and the honor and the praise.  Amen.

Specifically for Single Parents (But Anyone Can Read Along)

I recently finished reading Angela Thomas’ book My Single-Mom Life.  A completely fantastic book that I would love to review cover to cover for you, but that will have to wait until another time because today I am just going to take one of her focuses and jump into a conversation with you about that one thing.  (Okay, maybe “conversation” is the wrong word as you aren’t really right here to delve into a dialogue with me as I type, but I do welcome responses to what I have to say so feel free to “converse” in the comments section below if you so desire.)  Today’s topic by the way is Dating.  As a single-parent.  And even considering the possibility of a new spouse when you are single with children in your custody.  (Okay, that’s more than just one topic, but you get the idea…)  A weighty subject?  Maybe.  But one that I feel falls into that Hey-let’s-talk-about-THAT-elephant-in-the-room realm that I love to prance about in so often so, of course, I’m going to write about it.

In all honestly, being a single mom is both a blessing and a curse.  There are so many things that just simply stink about doing the whole parenting/adult thing alone, and yet there are many other things that challenge and grow my faith in ways that I would never have ever known if I was traveling a different, safer, more-traditional road.  Tough times are just that – tough.  And traversing the tough alone makes for a very weary soul.  But when you live alone, as the only adult in your household, you don’t just face those tough time alone, you also reap the benefits of joyful situations alone.  All after-school hugs – mine.  All good-night kisses – mine.  All mid-movie snuggles, early morning giggles under the covers, splashes at tub-time – mine, mine, mine.  I won’t lie to you, being alone sucks.  Making every decision on my own, being solely responsible for homework checks, discipline and lights-out, having no one to simply sit and chat with or actually watch a TV show with is rotten any way you slice it.  But as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” and that is most certainly true in my world as single-parent.

So here goes…  Today’s blog topic, inspired by Angela Thomas: 

Men without potential.  Why I want one, and why I am content without one.

There is so much I agree with in Chapters Nine and Ten of Ms. Thomas’ book that if I thought I could just get everyone of you to read it I probably would, but despite what you might think I’m not delusional enough to think that anyone is going to stop reading this blog to go read a book before coming back to finish reading what I have to say (I’m lucky you’re reading it the first time!) so I’ll just leave that assignment to you on your own time.  For now…  What I will do, however, is throw in a good number of quotes from those two chapters so it will almost be like we’re reading it together.  Sound good?  I hope so, because here is the first quote…

“At this stage in life, considering the age range of men who might be relationship candidates for a midforties woman, the next man cannot have potential.  He has to already be there.  Already pursuing his calling.  Already operating in many of his strengths.  Already full of vision and passion and having his own adventure.  Already living an amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman…All of us have unrealized potential that’s waiting to explode amid the right circumstances… but we want a man who has already realized some or a lot of his potential.  At midlife, I think it’s a little foolish to fall for a man who still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up.”  (pgs 153-154)

The truth is, I have been alone a long time.  Even before the wasband left, he left.  In eighteen years of marriage, we navigated our way through four deployments.  A minimum of 12 months each.  Throw in a good number of multiple-month trips back and forth to Arizona for other Army training and time alone in my house has been my status quo for a very long time.  My last “official” date was in early July of 2011.  As in before Jack even came home from China.  My last “romantic” date was… well, I seriously can’t even tell you that.  I don’t know.  I don’t remember.  I can’t even pinpoint a final New Year’s Eve kiss due to “other engagements” pursued through his work, and that thought alone is lonely as hell. 

“But it would be wrong of me to mislead you.  I have been designed feminine.  I long to be held.  I desire to be desired by a man I desire.  I would love to be cared for.  I get tired of being strong, and it stinks like everything to make major life decisions alone.  I was made to be loved by a man.  I know that.  I own it.  But for now, it’s just not so.  I am in no hurry, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation at the end of the day.”  (pg 137)

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not casting blame or callousness here.  Even before I was married I was never much of a dater.  High school group-outing girl, yes.  Designated driver at frat party visits, yep.  Keep the light burning for the stay-out-late college roommate, me again.  I’ve honestly only dated three men in my entire life, two of whom may very well be reading this and the other my last official date, and that’s okay.  I have no regrets in that field.  But at this age, in this stage of life, with kids in tow, not having anyone to simply share your heart with day-in and day-out wears on you in a way that is difficult to explain.  When my husband left he took my best friend of twenty years with him, and that is not something you simply pick up and move on from like a skinned knee or a bruised ego.  And sometimes lonely is just lonely.  But lonely is not the same thing as desperate.  Or willing to settle.  Or incomplete.

“I have come to know a few things for sure:  One, this is the best life I have ever known. I am in a good place, and I am not desperate.  I’m very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart.  Two, I haven’t met the companion I have prayed for yet…  He is still out there.  And three, even if I don’t meet someone for another ten years, my heart is full of anticipation for the companionship.  Until then, I am committed to becoming an amazing woman with an amazing life.” (pg 136-137)

So, as Angela Thomas suggests, here it is.  My list.  The ideal characteristics of any man worthy of consideration for a place in my world, my heart and my family.  A man without potential, but instead with a working wealth of character and strength.  A man that won’t someday be a servant for Christ, or one day be a great father, or eventually realize romance isn’t dead; but a man who is already there.  A gentleman already living a Christ-centered life, with a heart big enough to embrace and raise children he did not “create”, while loving his wife with a fierce commitment to continually challenging her to challenge him to walk more closely with their Savior.  My list of what is worth waiting for.

“As single moms, I think it’s mandatory that we expect more.  We have so many lives to consider.  If we are going to bring another man into the lives of our children, not to mention our hearts, he dang well better be worth it.  I believe there are really great men out there, but then there are some men who need to step up and improve themselves.  It’s a gift to be loved well.  I plan on loving a great man well.”  (pg 146)

And it is my sincere desire that you hold me accountable to my list.  No, I don’t expect any one man to be “perfect”, good grief, that would be as hypocritical as it comes as I certainly am nowhere near perfect, but I do ask that you support and challenge me through the years to hold to the standard.  To stand firm in the face of any at-least-I-won’t-be-alone, but-they-need-a-father, or maybe-this-is-as-good-as-it-will-get temptations to settle for less.  I ask that you boldly deny me the opportunity to throw myself and my kids under the proverbial bus because the waiting seems so long and the loneliness so pervasive.  Hold me accountable.  Remind me of the standard.  Point me to Christ at every turn and never let me forget that He is all I need and anything else is just gravy.

Sound crazy?  Well as Ms. Thomas says, “We have to be aware.  We have set the bar high for a reason:  to keep us from more heartache and regret.  And to protect our children and our homes and the future that burns so bright for all of us.”(pg 149)  True love is worth waiting for.  Romance is worth the day-dreams.  The heartache of lonely nights and complete exhaustion of single-parent-ness is worth every second compared to the alternative - allowing a relationship that is not God-pleasing to invade my time and focus because I feel “desperate”.  So, please, help me hold the bar high, prop up my arms when the standard seems too heavy due to weariness, and praise the Lord alongside me with thankfulness and with joy in the assurance that He will always provide everything I need in the timing that is best for His will.

So, again, (finally!) here is my list.

Any man worthy of inclusion in our family must be honest and trustworthy, with a well-developed sense of humor.  He must be ready to serve as the spiritual leader of our home, and have a clear vision of his personal ministry goals.  He must be supportive of me and my own goals, both personal and ministerial.  He must have a heart big enough to love all six of us because I will never be just “one” again.  He must be either educated, or willing to become educated, about chronic depression and what it means to live alongside it full-time.  He must be committed to the idea of us actively dating each other for the rest of our lives, realizing that marriage takes daily work and continuous effort and any doors of thought which might lead to considering divorce a possibility must be absolutely, positively, slammed, locked, dead-bolted, nailed, duct-taped, and hot-glue gunned shut.  Any man worthy of inclusion in our family must not have the potential to be an amazing man of God, he must already be there, fully prepared to take his place as the Christ-centered head of our household with a servant’s heart and leader’s backbone.

“The next man must have a great, big heart of love.  Strong arms that he can wrap securely around this clan.  Patience and the ability to overlook the little stuff, ‘cause there’s so much little stuff when you are five.  Stingy men need not apply.  The self-centered will be disappointed.  If you ever needed to be sure that it’s not all about you, then step into our world and watch life happen…He will have to be a man of compassion.  He’ll have to be merciful.  We are a vulnerable little family.  We just want to give and receive love.”  (pg 155)

Sounds a bit too good to be true, doesn’t it?  Yes, I agree.  Kind of like placing an ad for Superman in the newspapers of Smurf Village.  But I’m okay with that.  I realize I am looking for a needle in a hay stack, but in my opinion that needle is worth looking for because there is no time to mess around here.  Whatever choices I make and whomever I choose to relationally interact with, my kids will be involved too.  There is no “just me”.  Everything I do, whether they are present or not, know of it or don’t, effects my children in some way, and if there was ever anything worth fighting for in this world it is the hearts and minds of my five children.  So maybe my wish list is too good to be true.  Maybe that needle is so hidden in that haystack that it will take a miracle to find it.  But that’s still okay, because my God is in the miracle business and I daily pray that He leads me where He wants me to go so I don’t really have to worry about the looking.  If I am to find that needle, God will deliver it gift-wrapped on my door when the time is right.  And if I am supposed to remain single, well then, He will provide me the heart I need to do that too.

The fact of the matter is I cannot control anyone or anything beyond my own little self.  So no matter who I meet, or what I dream of, or where the Lord directs my path my focus will remain on one thing...  my relationship with Him.  I want to be the one the Lord prepares.  The one with no potential.  The one already living a life so committed to Christ, placing others before myself, and fully-trusting my Savior for every need, wish and desire that I am already there.  And honestly, if I am living that way, finding someone else to live that way with is simply more blessing on top.  So we’ll see.  Maybe I’ll find the perfect man with no potential someday, and maybe I won’t.  But whether I do or I don’t, I will still strive to live each day fully and in the moment, enjoying the innumerable blessings the Lord has rained down on me already and looking forward to where He will guide me next.  And that’s okay.

So, I’ll leave you with one final quote from Angela’s book (don’t you like how I just put us on a first name basis?), “I am waiting.  There is no hunky man on the radar.  I mean, no one.  There is no man to have dinner with, not even a great friend in town to call for a movie.  No one will be calling at the end of this evening just to check in and ask about my day.  I just wanted you know.  Maybe you wait today too, like me.  Maybe you’d never tell anyone, because you’re strong and successful and appear to have no time for a relationship, but it hurts you too.”  (pg 158-159)

As a divorced, Christ-centered individual with children, dating really does seem like the next big pink elephant in the center of the room.  If you are not traveling through life alone, give thanks for the blessings of companionship.  But if you are, hang in there.  You are not alone (no pun intended).  There are others of us out here who share the same feelings of dejection , isolation and longing.  But that does not make us desperate.  And it doesn’t justify lowering the bar.  Together we can stand.  Together we can move forward.  And together we can encourage each other to live amazing lives and grow into even more amazing women (or men) of faith with high standards for our families.  Doing the parenting thing single isn’t a death-sentence, it’s an invitation to live ever more closely with Christ.  And when we approach Him through prayer and thanksgiving we can know without doubt that He will always be faithful in His promises of provision and He’s never mistaken in His timing.

Stand firm and walk tall.  Loneliness for a season might just make the next season feel all the more radiant when it comes.  Blessings to you and your children as you move forward.  Together, we can do this.

 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4