The Reason I "SHOW HOPE"

The following words were originally posted on Jack's blog (foraplace.blogspot.com) on July 30, 2011, but given the 10 Year Anniversary Celebration of Show Hope this weekend, it seemed only fitting to repost them here.  Almost two years later every word is still true and Show Hope is even more of a blessing in my life than before.  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Show Hope.  May the next 10 years just keep getting better.

Every so often Show Hope poses the question to its supporters, “Why are you a Show Hope sponsor?” and to be honest I never know how to respond.  The easy way out would be to say something about the help they provided towards Jolene’s adoption leading to our first involvement.  Or I could mention their generosity with adoption grants creating a drive to help them provide even more grants.  Or I could say our family values the lead the Chapman family has publicly provided in the field of orphan care and our desire to follow.  Or perhaps I should mention the fabulous place which is Maria’s Big House of Hope and our commitment to support both its residents and its staff.  Then there are also the ongoing opportunities Show Hope provides our family to be a little part of a big effort in the realm of orphan care.  But, honestly, try as I might none of these answers ever seem to really be the right one.  None of them come anywhere close to really explaining why I am a Show Hope sponsor. 
 

But maybe that’s because the term “sponsor” doesn’t seem to fit anymore.  Yes, technically that’s exactly what I am – a sponsor, but in my little corner of the world it just seems so much bigger than that these days.  Where the organization of Show Hope is involved I’d like to believe that I am more than simply the scribe of a monthly check.  I think I’d prefer a description more along the lines of advocate or volunteer.   A friend as well as a supporter.  Some days I'm probably a bit of a groupie. And most days I'm a walking billboard.  All because, you see, my affinity for Show Hope may have started with a commitment to monthly sponsorship nine years ago, but it has grown to be so very much more and that makes it very difficult to answer the “Why are you a Show Hope sponsor?” question.   No story ever seems the right one and no matter how much I’ve grappled for just the right way to explain things I’ve never been able to string together the right words to express the thoughts and ideas in my head.  But… after all these years, I think I have finally found the answer and I might even be able to explain it to you.  Maybe.

On the rare occasion, I get the opportunity to drive alone in my car.  This doesn’t happen often as I usually have at least one child with me, but every once in a while I get the chance to be alone for more than a few minutes, turn on the CD of my choice and actually enjoy listening to the words of the songs playing – not just the ones not drowned out by one or more little girls talking, singing, giggling, arguing, etc.   And the other day while driving solo across base to water my watermelons I had a very enlightening encounter with my CD player.

The CD playing was Hundred More Years by Francesca Battistelli and the song was one I’ve heard many times before - Motion of Mercy.  Well, as I sang along with the radio (yes, I admit I do this quite freely when alone), I was suddenly struck by thoughts of Show Hope.  I couldn’t believe how the lyrics of this song so easily answered that often pondered question of “Why are you a Show Hope sponsor?”  There it was, written out and put to music – the answer that has so long eluded my grasp had somehow made its way into Francesca Battistelli’s brain and she had so very generously recorded it as a song on a CD that I could listen to in my car.  This was AMAZING!  And this was the reason that I Show Hope.

I was poor I was weak

I was the definition of the spiritually

Bankrupt condition

So in need of help…

The idea of adoption was planted in my heart a very long time ago when as a child my parents considered adopting a child into our family of five.  When Dan and I were dating in college we freely discussed the idea of adopting and looking back it seems so strange that it was such a natural topic of conversation for two twenty-year-olds not married or even out of school yet.  The point being, God introduced the concept of orphan care to my soul long before I had any idea what to do with it, but on some level I think it was always holding me captive to its call until the day I could act.

I was unsatisfied

Hungry and thirsty
When you rushed to my side

So unworthy

Still you gave yourself away….

And then, in 2002, Dan and I decided to take a leap of faith and adopt.  We didn’t have to.  We didn’t “need” to.  God just told us to.  It was time.  The seeds He had sown in us years before were ready to grow and bloom and from the day we took our first adoption "step" we have never doubted His lead.  And this is where Show Hope comes in.  Their example of faithful response to God’s call to orphan care is nothing short of inspiring.  Watching this organization grow from its very first days has been such a model of mercy and compassion that I simply cannot deny its impact on my heart.   And the growth I’ve experienced as a result of the opportunities I’ve had to join them and help where I can goes beyond measure. 

That's the motion of mercy
Changing the way and the why we are
That's the motion of mercy
Moving my heart

Some might say I’ve been bitten by the “bug”.  Others might say I’m addicted or obsessed, but I’d like to think I’ve simply found my niche and God has provided me a calling.  Years ago God created the desire in me to love and care for orphans.  Show Hope has provided me the means and the opportunity to act. 

Now I'm filled by a love
That calls me to action
I was empty before now I'm drawn to compassion
And to give myself away

Living for the lost
Loving 'til it hurts
No matter what the cost
Like You loved me first
That's the motion of mercy

So, will God leave me here in this spot forever - serving as a walking billboard and volunteering to work at the Show Hope table whenever I can?  I seriously doubt it.  But that’s okay because I really wouldn’t want Him to.  I am active and happy and doing what I can in the realm of orphan care right now because He didn’t leave me where I was nine years ago.  I didn’t get to where I am overnight, and I haven't turned my back on anything I've begun along the way.  What started as a simple request for adoption grant information soon changed to a desire to do more, and even after years of finding more ways to be involved I continue to look for even more.  Through Show Hope Christ has truly changed the way and the why I am.  I cannot fathom what He has in store for me in the future, but I know that each time change comes it make everything that much better so I truly pray that He just keeps right on changing things.

So…  why am I a Show Hope sponsor?  

I am a Show Hope sponsor because Christ used Show Hope to call me to action and my heart can't help but respond to that motion of mercy.

God give me strength to give something for nothing
I wanna be a glimpse of the Kingdom that's coming soon…

Thank you, Show Hope!  I can't wait to see what the next nine years brings.  You have truly blessed my life.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  John 13:34

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."  John 15:12

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  James 1:27

Listen to Motion of Mercy here...

Motion of Mercy

So Much More Than Mom

Do you remember when you were a kid and someone would ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Do you remember your answer?  Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, or a nurse, or a flight-attendant or pilot?  Or maybe you dreamed of being a king or a princess - a fairy or a dragon-slayer.  I always said I wanted to be a vet, until I figured out I couldn't stand to see an animal bleed and then I went with "teacher".  But perhaps you were more adventurous than I and answered quickly, "President".  Or perhaps you were more old-fashioned and simply stated, "A mom."  Well, let me ask you this...  Did you get the dream you wished for???

A wise friend pointed out to me the other day that this is the first time in 18 months that I have had the real chance to look forward to the future.  To look past just today or tomorrow, or in some cases just past the next few hours, but really into the future – and the future in front of me now is completely different than the future I was dreaming of 18 months ago.  Everything has changed.  My career path, my retirement plan, my location, my income, my hobbies, my children’s ability to pay for college, my ability to take an uninterrupted shower anytime in the next 15 years…  It is as if the entire space-time continuum has been altered, pulling the rug right out from beneath me, and creating… well, I don’t know what yet.

And yet I do know what I want.  When I really stop and think about it, I still have dreams of what my future may hold - even in this new unknown universe - but even those dreams are completely different than before.  They are simpler.  Sweeter.  Less naive in some ways, but more whimsical is some too.  Definitely more relational and less possessive.  Definitely more eternal than here-and-now. 

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 13:3-4

What I want right now is solid relationships.  I don’t care if I am poor, living month to month with no savings (Sorry, Dave Ramsey), own a house, rent a house, have little to nothing to offer beyond my time, fit into my “work clothes” or have to wear sweats… as long as I have people in my life to share what I do have it’s all okay.  I want my children to be happy, to feel loved, to have strong Christian influences to help mold them.  I want relationships for me – solid, grounded friendships based on such trust that vulnerability can allow us true connections.   I want intimate relationships with people that allow me to be candid and weak as well as strong and sometimes just plain goofy.

It has taken me a long time to pinpoint these desires – not just 18 months, but years – and I truly want to embrace and cherish each moment now that I have.  I love being a stay-at-home mom, I really do, but somewhere around the time my “twins” arrived (Sophie in November 2006 and Becca in January 2007) I let “motherhood” begin to define all of who I was.  And I lost a lot of the rest of myself in the process.  Not surprising considering I was working full-time, had three children age three and under, and my spouse was away from home for weeks and months at a time… but whatever the circumstances that pulled me away, I now seem to be finally finding my way back.  Back into my music.  Back into relationships.  Back into the community around me.  And out of my isolated reclusive existence as “busy mom”.

In just a few days I will be traveling to Tennessee for the Show Hope 10 Year Anniversary Celebration.  I am excited about this opportunity not just because I love Show Hope, but because Show Hope is more than “a movement to care for orphans.”  Show Hope is family and I literally crave the connections and growth that come when I am in that family’s presence.  So, as I get ready to reunite with friends I haven’t seen since visiting Maria’s Big House in 2010, get the opportunity to meet in person other adoptive families I have come to know and love only through Facebook, and visit with Show Hope friends I’ve had the blessing of knowing for ten years, I again find peace in who I am becoming and I’m able to embrace this time and where I am – beyond just “Mom”.

I am often accused of playing “the victim” in the drama known as my marital separation and divorce, but I don’t feel like a victim.  Battered and scarred, yes; but to me the term victim implies weakness, fear and violation.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t see myself as embodying those things.  Perhaps other people do and I have been deluding myself into thinking I am handling things better than I am, but I hope and pray that is not the case because right now I feel much more like a winner than a victim.  I am happy.  I am confident.  I am making peace with my past, and finding rest in my present.  I am settled.  And I am joyful.  I am not perfect, but I am trying.  I am not innocent, but I am forgiven.  And I am loved by the great I Am and there is absolutely no losing in that scenario.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

I was reminded the other day, as I was lamenting feeling guilty about feeling good, that at the end of the day I have three very clear responsibilities in my life.

1)       To be a disciple of Christ.

2)      To raise my children to love and know Christ as their personal Savior.

3)      To follow where God leads me.

Those are three pretty simple and straightforward tasks.  There is nothing in there about marriage, divorce, grieving broken promises, worrying about tomorrow, licking your wounds or feeling sorry for yourself.  Nothing about creating a financial safety net, finding insurance, doing the laundry, cleaning the house or even caring what size clothes you wear.  All of those things may be part of the daily human struggle we face, but they aren’t the most important things at hand.  And honestly, they’re more of a distraction than anything else.

I am a lot of things, but I’m coming to a place where “Mom” is just one of them instead of being the boss of them.  “Single-mom of five” is not the end-all, be-all description I want others to see as defining me.  I am a woman.  I am a musician.  I am a reader, a runner, a chocoholic.  I love to bake, I enjoy a good movie, I could listen to Mozart for hours and enjoy both the symphony and silence.  I am an advocate for orphans, a dog lover, a cat lover, sister, and friend.  I am grossed out by spiders and entertained by hippos.  I am afraid of heights, but get giddy over the idea of visiting Yogurtland or eating a burger.  I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of being swept off my feet, surprised with flowers, taken out to dinner, or simply holding hands in the car with one I love.  I dream of family vacations crammed with quality time not pricey adventures, and I long to be married to a man who values me and shares my passions.  And above all, I am a child of the Father, follower of Jesus Christ, determined to use all that He has given me for His glory. 

The bottom line is this –I am a mom, but I am SO much more too.  It weighs heavily on my heart when I reflect over how much of me got lost in that role over the past few (or 4 or 5 or NINE!) years, but there is also a certain freedom to reclaiming the missing pieces.  And I don’t have to forfeit my Mom status to do so.

God tell us clearly in Revelation 21 that He makes all things new, and that includes ME.  My past does not have to define me.  My mistakes do not have to become permanent pathways.  My poor choices do not have to exist as regrets, but can instead be viewed as teachable moments.  My future is not set in stone any more now than it was 18 months ago, or even 18 years ago…. My future is mine to claim and God’s to provide.

My life may not have turned out the way I expected it to and a smooth journey may have been sidelined by humanity (a few hundred times!), but that doesn’t mean all is lost.  My God is a God of renewal, of restoration and of recreation.  Nothing is impossible with God, and nothing is wasted in His hands.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:8-10

So, where are you in your projected future?  Are things turning out the way you planned?  Better than you expected?  Harder than you hoped?  Maybe they are.  Maybe they’re not.  But in the end none of that really matters.  The more important question to ask is: Are you turning out the way God wants you to?  Are you allowing Him to use the good, bad and unexpected?  Have you given Him the reins and asked Him to lead unchallenged, or are you still chomping at the bit to have it your way? 

No one can answer those questions for you except you, but I challenge you to answer them.  Who are you?  Are you who He wants you to be?  Are you seeking His lead and embracing all of the opportunities He provides, or have you lost sight of yourself among the titles that the world has hung on you and keep tripping over the shoes you think someone else expects you to fill?  If you don’t know, again I challenge you to ponder...  Who are you?  Deep down inside, where the passions God created within you run free…  Are you embracing all of His creation, or getting lost on the narrow road of one aspect?  

Make a list if you want.  Share it with a friend (like I did above) or simply share it with the Lord.  But don’t wait years like I did to face the proverbial music.  I love being a mom and I am blessed everyday by the mere existence of my children and the incredible gift of God entrusting them to me, but I am learning the hard way that even though it’s a blessing, being “Mom” is not enough.  His plan for me includes so much more.  And sometimes you just have to stop and let yourself be the well-rounded child He created you to be.  Let Him be the parent for a while, take time to be the child.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.  He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.  Revelation 21:3-7

The Voices in My Head (And How I've Trained Them to Sing in Unison)

One of my very favorite authors is Frank Peretti.  You know, one of those favorites who writes books you read over and over again and never get tired of?  I don’t know if you’ve ever read any of his books, but there is imagery in Piercing the Darkness (the sequel to This Present Darkness) that has lived a life of its own in my head from the very first time I read it.  From my very first reading I understood exactly what the character (Sally) was feeling each time her thoughts became jumbled and fragmented (in this case by demon antics) and have never found a better description of such an experience of mental chaos as Peretti’s words.  Whether you believe in demons and angels or simply cast confusion as a product of irrational thoughts, there is no denying the turmoil caused in the human mind when the brain is unable to process complete thoughts due to overpowering emotions or anxiety.    

Let me share a short excerpt from Chapter 6 to show what I’m talking about.

“Perhaps her mind wouldn’t get scrambled if she put it all down on paper.  She could record her thoughts before they melted away…
But Despair was wounded, humiliated, indignant, and determined to redeem himself.  He hung on her back like a coal-black leech, sucking out her will, whispering confusion to her mind.  The other three spirits were with him, circling Sally, taunting her, jabbing her with their swords.
Insanity whipped his sword right through her brain.
Sally stared at the paper… Nothing would come…  She just had it, she was groing to write it down, and now it was gone…
Insanity, cackling his witchy laugh, grabbed her mind between his two hairy palms and dug in his talons.  Death joined in the attack….
She could hear voices in the room, taunting her, and could feel sharp claws tugging at her.  They remained invisible, hiding from her, teasing, tormenting.
Then came Fear.  Sally was overcome with a numbing, paralyzing fear.  She was lost and falling, spinning, tumbling in space.  She couldn’t stop…
All four spirits were clustered around Sally’s head, whipping her consciousness into a myriad of senseless fragments.”

That’s it.  That’s the confusion.  Whether they are real “voices” in your head, or merely negative or confused thoughts you cannot escape, or insurmountable worry that consumes you until you can’t think about anything else, mental chaos exists, and for some of us it can be a way of life at times.  So here is the meat of the matter…

For anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me (which unfortunately is very few people at this point), it is no surprise for me to share that I have always had severe ups and downs in my moods.  The older I got the more I could control this, disguise the symptoms, balance the extremes, and normalize myself in public, but I didn’t find anything close to a cure until I was in college when a solid, grounded, emotionally intimate relationship became a regulating force for what I would later learn to be a chemically-imbalanced aspect of my persona.  This close-to-cure, however, was unfortunately based upon human interactions and fallible the same as all humans are so when its existence began to waver so did my inner regulation.   Suffice it to say, not really a good plan for long-term regulatory success.

So now what?  How do I do it?  How do I manage to be everywhere I am supposed to be, do everything I am supposed to do, visit every doctor we’re supposed to visit, feed everyone I am supposed to feed, bathe everyone I am supposed to bathe (please don’t ever check me on that one!), and not run away to hide under a rock with the snakes in Rattlesnake Valley to escape “a myriad of senseless fragments”?  Well, I live with a certain amount of numbness and very often simply do as I’m told.   

Your daughter’s teeth are “weak” and she has developed eleven cavities in less than a year – okay, let’s fill them.  You can no longer live in military housing – okay, we’ll move.  The house you plan to rent still hasn't closed escrow with the new owners - okay, we'll just start driving across the country and hope we have a home when we get there.  Your four-year-old needs to have half of his teeth removed – okay, let’s pull them.  Your child suffers from an anxiety disorder – okay, how do I help her manage that?  Your child needs open heart surgery – okay, where’s the surgeon’s office?  And so on and so on…

But despite all of this forward motion, while dealing with the here and now-ness of things I have lately been plagued by one nagging question:  Why aren’t I mad?  (Also phrased by others around me as “You should be mad”, “You need to get mad”, “You have every right to be mad”, “It’s okay to be mad”, etc.)

Perhaps some of that numbness masked by direction-following is part of the answer to that, but I think it also comes down to the the fight or flight paradigm.  I am definitely not a “flight-er”, but “fight-er” doesn’t seem quite right either.  I think I’m simply more of a “do-er”.  I was raised to do what needs to be done.  Don’t whine about it.  Don’t put off the inevitable.  Get on your knees, suck it up, and just do it.  If you don’t understand, pray for wisdom.  If you don’t know where to begin, pray for direction.  If you don’t know how to do it, pray for vision.  If you don’t know if you can, pray for faith.  But beyond it all, let go and let God. 

Some will call this strength, but the price of that “strength” is often the numbness I mentioned before.  There is something to be said about getting things done, but there is also a point at which doing becomes going through the motions and feelings become blocked from sight and overshadowed by practicality.

Am I not mad because I’m not mad?  Am I not mad because God has granted me peace beyond human understanding?  Or am I not mad because I am simply numb?  And that is where I find the voices in my head chatting amongst themselves…  Creating doubt over the fact I’m not doubting.  Generating turmoil among feelings of peace and prosperity.  Throwing just enough off-kilter to leave me feeling led to share my peace with others searching for a similar frame of mind all the while questioning if maybe I am just a fraud who thinks I’m at peace but am really just numb.

Am I matter of fact for the right reasons?  Am I matter of fact because I’ve decided to be?  (Like it’s that easy!)  Am I matter of fact because there really is a peace that is so pervasive you cannot even begin to imagine it until you truly experience it’s all-encompassing covering  in the midst of circumstances you never dreamed of?

My life experiences can place me among many different groups of people in the midst of many different circumstances.

*I didn’t marry the man I left high school convinced I would marry, but I did marry my college sweetheart
*I have been a working mother and a stay-at-home mom
*I have been a classroom teacher, a part-time worker, and unemployed
*I’ve been a renter, a home owner and a low-rent tenant
*I have been married 18 years and am working through an undesired divorce
*I’ve had multiple miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy requiring termination (yes, that means abortion…), and given birth twice
*I’ve adopted two “healthy” infants and I’ve adopted a “waiting”, “older” child
*I have two bachelor degrees, one master’s degree and yet I collect WIC checks each month because I need help feeding my family
*I’ve waited to be old enough to adopt, adopted three times and am now again ineligible to even consider it
*I’ve been married with no children and a double income, I’ve been single with five children living on very limited means
*I’ve struggled with depression on my own, and I’ve found successful treatment for depression with help
*I’ve been a military wife through four over-seas deployments, stationed on base only once, through a pregnancy, and through international adoption travel

And this list could just keep going…

By no means have I done it all or do I know everything, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I’ve got a lot in common with a lot of different cultural and/or social circles.  And that is what I keep hearing amidst the throng of jumbled voices in my head.  Connect.  Reach out.  Share your perspective.  Make a connection with those you can.  Use what you have.  Use what He’s given you.  Share what He’s done for you.  Let Him lead you.  And you know what?  Following those directions doesn’t make me feel so numb.

I honestly believe I am not mad in my current circumstances because my being mad isn’t what God needs me to be right now.  Maybe His job description for me right now really is as simple as:  Be content.  Make peace with where you are and embrace it for My glory.  Accept what is past as the past and journey boldly toward what can be.

I get that Jesus got mad.  And I know mad is okay, but for me mad comes as a direct result of feeling out of control.  I get mad when my kids don’t listen and I feel ignored.  I get made when I’m late and people won’t get out of my way on the freeway (because they should all know I’m late!).  I get mad when I feel like I’ve failed and am embarrassed by my shortcomings.  I get mad when my computer doesn’t move fast enough for me, when the dog won’t come in from the backyard, when I can’t push the right button on the TV and end up missing a new episode of my favorite show…  But this whole parenting solo, single-mom, divorcee thing just doesn’t feel “mad” to me.

I don’t feel out of control.  Don’t get me wrong - I am out of control.  Truth be told, I am actually in control of very little in my life right now.  I mean I couldn’t even get my dog to get out of bed this morning, but this particular out of control isn’t one that alarms me.  Because I know who IS in control, and He is the King of Peace.

There is a Matthew West song (yes, I know, another Matthew West song, what can I say….) that states, “I should be happy.  I should be living up these days just like I know who rules this place”, and THAT is where I am.  Happy.  Perhaps not in a worldly definition of the word, but in one of contentment with where He’s placed me.  And that leaves me focused and all of those crazy-making voices out of luck, because no matter how much they try to stir up trouble when I stop trying to figure it all out I can really focus on where He’s placed me right now.  And that is when the voices in my head can finally sing in unison, “What you see is what you get, what you see is how I FEEL."  Because I'm HAPPY.