April 1, 2012

Today is the official first day of my new life as “single-mom”.  Dan and I both signed our respective copies of a marital separation agreement on Friday and that agreement goes into effect today.  So that is that.  Legally I am still married, yet legally I am the sole physical custodian or my children, their sole care giver and head of my very own household.  And I really don’t know what else to say about that. 

In many ways my heart is grieving.  This is not what I want – not for me, not for my children and certainly not for my marriage.  I am saddened by the loss of so many dreams, so many plans, so many pieces of a family life that will now never exist or even be dreamed of again.  I am heartbroken knowing that God too is grieving as yet another of His families has fallen prey to Satan’s plans to deceive and destroy.  And as I have shared with so many in the last few days, I have no doubt that there is no joy in Heaven for the events of this past week.

Now you may wonder why I would sign such a document if I am so against all it accomplishes and my only answer to that is – my kids.  None of this entire separation or divorce thing is any of my idea, but no matter how against it I am or how much I love my husband I cannot force him to stay in any relationship he ultimately doesn’t want to be a part of and I must at all costs do what is right by my children.  So there is the real question… Am I doing what is right by my children?  And I must answer that question daily and to the best of my own ability relying on hours of prayer, mountains of scripture research and a multitude of wise counsel sessions.  In our very human, fallible world, where a husband and father can unilaterally decide to end a marriage and walk away from his children and wife – Yes, I am doing what is right by my children.  And with God’s help my children and I will remain strong in our faith and grieve our losses together trusting in the ultimate promise of Romans 8:28 which states, “We know that in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”

You see, basically, today is a day of mourning.  My children are not aware of today’s significance as the legal details behind the scenes are not something they even need to have on their radar, but their lives changed radically today as well.  Although they already know Daddy isn’t coming home to us and that he will no longer live with us or be more than a voice on the phone or a face on a Skype screen most of the year, all of that was just “in the works” until it became reality today.  So, no, there was no big trumpet fanfare, the kids did not awaken to some new schedule or altered daily reality this morning, but today their lives are irrevocably changed regardless.

It isn’t just talk anymore.  It isn’t just the desires of one person to sever ties with another.  Today my children legally live in a single-parent home.  With only one parent to wake them up in the morning.  Only one parent to drive them to and from school.  Only one parent to kiss their boo-boos and only one parent to tuck them in at night.  With a vastly decreased income.  With severely less opportunities for playing sports or going to camp.  Less likely to have a fancy birthday party.  With less chance of going out to eat or go on vacation.  But that is all part of what they will have to grow into.  It’s not the end of the world.  We are not going to starve or go homeless or encounter destitution of some sort.  God will provide all that we need, even if we all have to learn some hard lessons about the stark differences between needs and wants.  

Matthew 6:25-26 states:  “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air:  they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?”  So, yes, we will be alright.  We will be different.  We will be irrevocably changed, wounded and even scarred, but we will not be defeated.  And Satan will not have the victory he seeks within our house.

I know that the common term for a family of our new situation is a “broken home”, but despite whatever wounds our hearts may encounter through this, I simply cannot make that term apply to my home.  Our family is not broken.  We are incomplete.  There is a very important member missing from among our ranks, but that is a void – an empty spot – a missing piece.  NOT a brokenness that eliminates the binding together of those of us who remain.  Our family of six is most definitely different.  And there are many dynamics within it that have been, and will be, redefined.  But there is nothing about us that cries defeat.  We may have been knocked down, we may have even been sucker-punched, but we are still standing, we are still firm in our faith, and we remain focused on the Prize.  For in Philippians 3:12-14 Paul writes:  “not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.  Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

So, can we humanly truly forget what lies behind?  No.  As I’ve already conceded, this journey of turmoil and chaos will leave every member of my family – far beyond just the immediate six members – irrevocably changed.  We have no choice about that.  But we do have the choice to sit and dwell on what’s been, revel in our heartache, our sorrow and our regrets, or we can keep our eyes on Christ Jesus and trust Him to bring us through.  As I remind my kids often, Jesus never promised us life would be easy and fair is not a scriptural promise or any type of God’s measure.  But He does promise to never leave us nor forsake us (Psalm 94:14), we are given clear directives of what the Lord expects from us, and He has set forth clear guidelines for our success.  We may not be filled with joy regarding our current situation or the events that have created it, but Romans 12:9-11 is very clear:  “Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with brotherly affection; outdo one another in showing honor.  Never flag in zeal, be aglow with the Spirit, serve the Lord.”  And verse 12 is even more poignant at this time as it reminds us to “Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

My family may be different.  My roles in society and in my children’s lives may have just changed from “mom” to “single-mom”, but I will hold fast to my Lord and Savior and I will rest assured in all of His promises.  We are changed, but we are okay.  We are wounded, but we are strong.  We are mourning, but we will be comforted.  We were down, but we are not out.  For “even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at Thy altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God.”  (Psalm 84:3)

Today begins the next chapter of my life.  And it contains a plot twist I never expected, but as I move forward and embrace all that the Lord has to provide, I cannot help but wonder what He has in store.  Certainly nothing I ever dreamed of as all of that has been eliminated by circumstance, but definitely something beautiful that only He can bring to bear as only He can bring fulfillment to His promise to bring beauty from ashes.  And so I look forward to what April 1, 2013 may bring to this blog.  How will things be one year from now?  How we will be different still and what joys will I be able to share a result of my God’s loving care.  I don’t know about you, but that is a day that I look forward to simply so I can see the answers to so many of today’s questions.

May the Lord bless and keep you.  May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and grant you peace.

My son, keep sound wisdom and discretion;
                let them not escape from your sight,

And they will be life for your soul
                and adornment for your neck.

Then you will walk on your way securely
                and your foot will not stumble.

If you sit down, you will not be afraid;
                when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Do not be afraid of sudden panic,
                of or the ruin of the wicked, when it comes;

For the Lord will be your confidence
                and will keep your foot from being caught.

Proverbs 3:21-26