I recently finished reading Angela Thomas’ book My Single-Mom
Life. A completely fantastic book
that I would love to review cover to cover for you, but that will have to wait
until another time because today I am just going to take one of her focuses and
jump into a conversation with you about that one thing. (Okay, maybe “conversation” is the wrong word
as you aren’t really right here to delve into a dialogue with me as I type, but
I do welcome responses to what I have to say so feel free to “converse” in the
comments section below if you so desire.)
Today’s topic by the way is Dating.
As a single-parent. And even considering
the possibility of a new spouse when you are single with children in your custody. (Okay, that’s more than just one topic, but
you get the idea…) A weighty
subject? Maybe. But one that I feel falls into that
Hey-let’s-talk-about-THAT-elephant-in-the-room realm that I love to prance
about in so often so, of course, I’m going to write about it.
In all honestly, being a single mom is both a blessing and a
curse. There are so many things that
just simply stink about doing the whole parenting/adult thing alone, and yet
there are many other things that challenge and grow my faith in ways that I
would never have ever known if I was traveling a different, safer,
more-traditional road. Tough times are
just that – tough. And traversing the
tough alone makes for a very weary soul.
But when you live alone, as the only adult in your household, you don’t
just face those tough time alone, you also reap the benefits of joyful
situations alone. All after-school hugs
– mine. All good-night kisses –
mine. All mid-movie snuggles, early
morning giggles under the covers, splashes at tub-time – mine, mine, mine. I won’t lie to you, being alone sucks. Making every decision on my own, being solely
responsible for homework checks, discipline and lights-out, having no one to
simply sit and chat with or actually watch
a TV show with is rotten any way you slice it.
But as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger”
and that is most certainly true in my world as single-parent.
So here goes… Today’s
blog topic, inspired by Angela Thomas:
Men without potential. Why I want one, and why I am content without
one.
There is so much I agree with in Chapters Nine and Ten of
Ms. Thomas’ book that if I thought I could just get everyone of you to read it
I probably would, but despite what you might think I’m not delusional enough to
think that anyone is going to stop reading this blog to go read a book before
coming back to finish reading what I have to say (I’m lucky you’re reading it
the first time!) so I’ll just leave that assignment to you on your own time. For now…
What I will do, however, is throw in a good number of quotes from those two
chapters so it will almost be like we’re reading it together. Sound good?
I hope so, because here is the first quote…
“At this stage in life, considering the age range of men who
might be relationship candidates for a midforties woman, the next man cannot have potential. He has to already be there. Already pursuing his calling. Already operating in many of his strengths. Already full of vision and passion and having
his own adventure. Already living an
amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman…All of us
have unrealized potential that’s waiting to explode amid the right
circumstances… but we want a man who has already realized some or a lot of his potential. At midlife, I think it’s a little foolish to
fall for a man who still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows
up.” (pgs 153-154)
The truth is, I have been alone a long time. Even before the
wasband left, he left. In eighteen years
of marriage, we navigated our way through four deployments. A minimum of 12 months each. Throw in a good number of multiple-month trips
back and forth to Arizona for other Army training and time alone in my house
has been my status quo for a very long time.
My last “official” date was in early July of 2011. As in before Jack even came home from
China. My last “romantic” date was…
well, I seriously can’t even tell you that.
I don’t know. I don’t remember. I can’t even pinpoint a final New Year’s Eve
kiss due to “other engagements” pursued through his work, and that thought
alone is lonely as hell.
“But it would be wrong of me to mislead you. I have been designed feminine. I long to be held. I desire to be desired by a man I desire. I would love to be cared for. I get tired of being strong, and it stinks
like everything to make major life decisions alone. I was made to be loved by a man. I know that.
I own it. But for now, it’s just
not so. I am in no hurry, but I would be
lying if I didn’t tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a
meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation at the end of the day.” (pg 137)
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not casting blame or callousness
here. Even before I was married I was
never much of a dater. High school
group-outing girl, yes. Designated driver
at frat party visits, yep. Keep the
light burning for the stay-out-late college roommate, me again. I’ve honestly only dated three men in my
entire life, two of whom may very well be reading this and the other my last
official date, and that’s okay. I have
no regrets in that field. But at this
age, in this stage of life, with kids in tow, not having anyone to simply share
your heart with day-in and day-out wears on you in a way that is difficult to
explain. When my husband left he took my
best friend of twenty years with him, and that is not something you simply pick
up and move on from like a skinned knee or a bruised ego. And sometimes lonely is just lonely. But lonely is not the same thing as
desperate. Or willing to settle. Or incomplete.
“I have come to know a few things for sure: One, this is the best life I have ever known.
I am in a good place, and I am not desperate.
I’m very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart. Two, I haven’t met the companion I have
prayed for yet… He is still out
there. And three, even if I don’t meet
someone for another ten years, my heart is full of anticipation for the
companionship. Until then, I am
committed to becoming an amazing woman with an amazing life.” (pg 136-137)
So, as Angela Thomas suggests, here it is. My list.
The ideal characteristics of any man worthy of consideration for a place
in my world, my heart and my family. A
man without potential, but instead with a working wealth of character and
strength. A man that won’t someday be a
servant for Christ, or one day be a great father, or eventually realize romance
isn’t dead; but a man who is already there.
A gentleman already living a Christ-centered life, with a heart big
enough to embrace and raise children he did not “create”, while loving his wife
with a fierce commitment to continually challenging her to challenge him to
walk more closely with their Savior. My
list of what is worth waiting for.
“As single moms, I think it’s mandatory that we expect
more. We have so many lives to
consider. If we are going to bring
another man into the lives of our children, not to mention our hearts, he dang
well better be worth it. I believe there
are really great men out there, but then there are some men who need to step up
and improve themselves. It’s a gift to
be loved well. I plan on loving a great
man well.” (pg 146)
And it is my sincere desire that you hold me accountable to
my list. No, I don’t expect any one man
to be “perfect”, good grief, that would be as hypocritical as it comes as I certainly am nowhere near perfect, but
I do ask that you support and challenge me through the years to hold to the
standard. To stand firm in the face of
any at-least-I-won’t-be-alone, but-they-need-a-father,
or maybe-this-is-as-good-as-it-will-get temptations to settle for less. I ask that you boldly deny me the opportunity
to throw myself and my kids under the proverbial bus because the waiting seems
so long and the loneliness so pervasive.
Hold me accountable. Remind me of
the standard. Point me to Christ at
every turn and never let me forget that He
is all I need and anything else is just gravy.
Sound crazy? Well as
Ms. Thomas says, “We have to be aware.
We have set the bar high for a reason:
to keep us from more heartache and regret. And to protect our children and our homes and
the future that burns so bright for all of us.”(pg 149) True love is worth waiting for. Romance is worth the day-dreams. The heartache of lonely nights and complete
exhaustion of single-parent-ness is worth every second compared to the
alternative - allowing a relationship that is not God-pleasing to invade my
time and focus because I feel “desperate”.
So, please, help me hold the bar high, prop up my arms when the standard
seems too heavy due to weariness, and praise the Lord alongside me with
thankfulness and with joy in the assurance that He will always provide
everything I need in the timing that is best for His will.
So, again, (finally!) here is my list.
Any man worthy of inclusion in our family must be honest and
trustworthy, with a well-developed sense of humor. He must be ready to serve as the spiritual
leader of our home, and have a clear vision of his personal ministry
goals. He must be supportive of me and
my own goals, both personal and ministerial.
He must have a heart big enough to love all six of us because I will
never be just “one” again. He must be
either educated, or willing to become educated, about chronic depression and
what it means to live alongside it full-time.
He must be committed to the idea of us actively dating each other for
the rest of our lives, realizing that marriage takes daily work and continuous
effort and any doors of thought which might lead to considering divorce a
possibility must be absolutely, positively, slammed, locked, dead-bolted,
nailed, duct-taped, and hot-glue gunned shut.
Any man worthy of inclusion in our family must not have the potential to
be an amazing man of God, he must already be there, fully prepared to take his
place as the Christ-centered head of our household with a servant’s heart and
leader’s backbone.
“The next man must have a great, big heart of love. Strong arms that he can wrap securely around
this clan. Patience and the ability to
overlook the little stuff, ‘cause there’s so much little stuff when you are
five. Stingy men need not apply. The self-centered will be disappointed. If you ever needed to be sure that it’s not
all about you, then step into our world and watch life happen…He will have to
be a man of compassion. He’ll have to be
merciful. We are a vulnerable little
family. We just want to give and receive
love.” (pg 155)
Sounds a bit too good to be true, doesn’t it? Yes, I agree.
Kind of like placing an ad for Superman in the newspapers of Smurf
Village. But I’m okay with that. I realize I am looking for a needle in a hay
stack, but in my opinion that needle is worth looking for because there is no
time to mess around here. Whatever
choices I make and whomever I choose to relationally interact with, my kids
will be involved too. There is no “just
me”. Everything I do, whether they are
present or not, know of it or don’t, effects my children in some way, and if
there was ever anything worth fighting for in this world it is the hearts and
minds of my five children. So maybe my
wish list is too good to be true. Maybe
that needle is so hidden in that haystack that it will take a miracle to find
it. But that’s still okay, because my
God is in the miracle business and I daily pray that He leads me where He wants me to go so I don’t really have to worry about the
looking. If I am to find that needle,
God will deliver it gift-wrapped on my door when the time is right. And if I am supposed to remain single, well
then, He will provide me the heart I need to do that too.
The fact of the matter is I cannot control anyone or
anything beyond my own little self. So
no matter who I meet, or what I dream of, or where the Lord directs my path my
focus will remain on one thing... my
relationship with Him. I want to be the one the Lord prepares. The one with no potential. The one already living a life so committed to
Christ, placing others before myself, and fully-trusting my Savior for every
need, wish and desire that I am already there.
And honestly, if I am living that
way, finding someone else to live that way with is simply more blessing on
top. So we’ll see. Maybe I’ll find the perfect man with no
potential someday, and maybe I won’t.
But whether I do or I don’t, I will still strive to live each day fully
and in the moment, enjoying the innumerable blessings the Lord has rained down
on me already and looking forward to where He will guide me next. And that’s okay.
So, I’ll leave you with one final quote from Angela’s book
(don’t you like how I just put us on a first name basis?), “I am waiting. There is no hunky man on the radar. I mean, no one. There is no man to have dinner with, not even
a great friend in town to call for a movie.
No one will be calling at the end of this evening just to check in and
ask about my day. I just wanted you
know. Maybe you wait today too, like
me. Maybe you’d never tell anyone,
because you’re strong and successful and appear to have no time for a
relationship, but it hurts you too.” (pg
158-159)
As a divorced, Christ-centered individual with children,
dating really does seem like the next big pink elephant in the center of the
room. If you are not traveling through
life alone, give thanks for the blessings of companionship. But if you are, hang in there. You are not alone (no pun intended). There are others of us out here who share the
same feelings of dejection , isolation and longing. But that does not make us desperate. And it doesn’t justify lowering the bar. Together we can stand. Together we can move forward. And together we can encourage each other to
live amazing lives and grow into even more amazing women (or men) of faith with
high standards for our families. Doing
the parenting thing single isn’t a death-sentence, it’s an invitation to live
ever more closely with Christ. And when
we approach Him through prayer and thanksgiving we can know without doubt that
He will always be faithful in His promises of provision and He’s never mistaken
in His timing.
Stand firm and walk tall.
Loneliness for a season might just make the next season feel all the
more radiant when it comes. Blessings to
you and your children as you move forward.
Together, we can do this.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all
circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to
give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with
all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will
give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
