Still in the Waiting

Lately I’ve been struggling (again) about just what I am supposed to be doing right now and just what I am comfortable expecting from life.  I’ve got one voice telling me I should be dating, and my own heart doubting that such a thing will ever be in the cards again.  I’ve got one voice telling me to take care of myself and live beyond just taking care of my kids, and the other side telling me that until my finances are on solid ground I have no business focusing on anything other than caring for my kids. One voice telling me to find employment and another telling me to be fully available to my children.  And the voices rage on against each other.  The guilt battles the self-preservation desires.  The empty bank account challenges God’s promises of provision.  The exhaustion defies the never-ending to-do list.  And basically I’ve gone right back to carrying the burden of too many voices, too many doubts, too many challenged dreams and too little quiet.

Psalm 46:10 tells us clearly, “Be still, and know that I am God!”  And so, yesterday I was.  I dropped off the kids, parked the car, left the cell phone behind, and turned off the world for a while.  And you know; it was exactly what I needed to do.  Just me, my thoughts, the crashing waves upon Sunset Cliffs and my God.  And after finding the perfect bench, in the perfect spot, I simply bowed my head and listened. 

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

So hard to do sometimes, and yet so simple.  Be still.  Know that I am God.

And you know what He told me?  That I already have the answers.  That I have already found the place He has for me right now and that in the midst of life’s noise and chaos I have let all the voices throw me off kilter and lose my focus.  I’ve let the world’s opinion and to-do list and how-to-be advice taint the leading He has already put before me and it is all trying to drown out the only Voice that really matters.

Be still.  And know that I am God.

So simple.  And yet so very, very hard to maintain.

The Lord promises that He will never give us more than we can handle.  And He promises to always provide us with all we need.  If I truly believe those promises to be true, than how can I question His provision at any time for any need?  I find it so easy to trust Him to provide food for my children and yet so difficult to believe He will one day provide me a life beyond “Mom”.  But as He reminded me there on those cliffs, as I listened to the waves crash again and again, He is faithful.  And He will provide in His time.

It doesn’t matter if my life isn’t moving on some other human’s prescribed timeline.  God works in His own time.  I am not alone right now because I am not worthy of a partner, nor is it because I am not doing what I am supposed to do to change things.  I am alone right now because that is where I am.  And as long as I remember I got here by asking for God’s direction and earnestly trying to follow His voice, then I can trust that it is right where I am supposed to be. 

For now.

It doesn’t mean I’ll be here forever.  It doesn’t mean things might not change drastically tomorrow.  But now is the time to find contentment in my circumstances.

I found that contentment a while back when I posted a blog about desiring a man without potential.  And wouldn’t you know it, that contentment was tested the very next day.  And the challenges have continued every day since – telling me how much “better” life would be with a man at my side, how great a date would be, how my dreams of romance and marriage will never be reality unless I make them a priority in my life right now.  And stupidly human as I am I have listened to those arguments and let each one of them challenge my resolve.  Until I was once again feeling lonely and defeated, and worse, unworthy of even presenting my dreams to God as desires in the first place.  And trust me, that is a place far from contentment.   

But there at the cliffs I found my way back a bit.  

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

It is amazing how clearly (and LOUD!) God speaks when I finally stop and really listen.  And His message to me yesterday morning was this:

Stay the course.  Be the mom.  Take this time to focus on your children and use the opportunity you have to focus on growing you.  There will be romance and the fulfillment of a committed Christian marriage later, for now just be you.  Trust Me.  My Grace will provide all of your desires in ways far beyond what you can imagine.  Today be you.  Grow you.  Refresh you.  Use this time to remember who you really are.  Recapture the pieces of you that have been lost along the way.  Dust off the gifts and passions you’ve let fall to the wayside.  Find a way to accept the idea of embracing the gifts you’ve denied yourself while life was overshadowed by depression.  Be still.  Wait on Me.  Listen for Me.  My timing is perfect.  Use the waiting to grow in Me and heal your heart and mind so that when love arrives you are ready to accept and enjoy all I am bringing you.  Be Still.  And know that I am God.

I recently asked a group of friends to pray over the phrase “dinner and a movie” for me.  Not that I would have a dinner and movie date, but that my heart would move beyond feeling unworthy of any blessings aimed at just me.  And I am so glad that I did.  I told the Lord in my own prayers, it’s not “dinner and a movie” that I am seeking, but a peace in knowing that having such a dream is acceptable to Him, not selfish on my part, and not wrong of me to pray over.  And those prayers have been answered just as before.  The Lord has pointed me back to the same place I was.  Contentment.  Contentment in the dreaming.  Contentment in the waiting.  Contentment in the place I am.

This is my time.  Time to be me.  Time to be content with focusing on myself and my choices for a bit.  Time to listen and follow and grow closer to the Lord.  Time to use the gifts God has given me to serve Him and lead my children in learning to use theirs.  A romantic relationship or job or simply dinner with a friend is not out of the realm of possibilities, but the best thing I can do while I wait for the opportunities God will provide is to use the waiting time to be still and draw closer to Him. 

Besides, isn’t that exactly what I am looking for on the other side?  A job serving His kingdom in a meaningful way?  Children rooted in solid relationships with Christ?  A man firmly grounded in the Word of God using his God-given gifts to serve and share Christ’s love with others?  Then why would I want to be a woman of any other kind?  If I am seriously asking God to provide me a life filled with no potential, than the best thing I can do while I’m waiting is use up my own potential serving Him as a woman of God.  No matter what the culture preaches or secular voices tell me, life is not about serving me.  It is about Him.  And my job is to be available to Him.  To find contentment in where He places me.  To be still.  And know that He is God.

I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2

P.S.  Thank you to all who have been praying alongside me.  Depression continues to rear its ugly head in my life and even though I can see it and name it, it continues to grasp for a foothold in my thinking.  By the Grace of God He continues to hold me in His hand and guide me through.  I am so grateful for those whose prayers help me find my way through the darkness and continue to seek His light.  Thank you!