The irony is not lost on me that my first legal day as “single-mother” was April 1st, nor do I fail to find the humor in April Fool’s Day being the anniversary of said life change for the rest of my life. But I can also assuredly say that a year later I no longer feel like anyone’s fool. Over the past eighteen months my life has changed beyond belief, but I can proudly state that one year ago I was right on at least one thing. In my April 1, 2012 post I stated: “We will be different. We will be irrevocably changed, wounded and even scarred, but we will not be defeated. And Satan will not have the victory he seeks within our house.” And he has not. Satan has NOT won.
To that end, I find it completely appropriate to mark the closing of
the first year of this new life with Easter Sunday. I can’t think of a better way to end such a
year of changes and challenges than with the resonating sounds of a full church
proclaiming “Christ is risen! He is
risen indeed! Hallelujah!” My God is an amazing God and He has fully
cared for us in every situation over the past year – from a place to live to
food on the table to a continuing supply of laundry detergent - and I have no
doubt His provision will continue into the next year and the next year and the next. My Lord and Savior is alive and well, Hallelujah!
The past year has been full of changes, endings and new beginnings. We moved from Maryland to California, leaving
school, church and friends behind. The
kids have started a new school and we have found a new church. I have somehow run two half-marathons and am
training for my third with my heart set on running a full marathon ten months from now. Jack
had heart surgery in January to replace a valve and open a section of
artery, and has worked his way up to full-time preschool. Everyone in my house is in counseling and
though we have a long way to go we are making steady progress forward. I am emotionally healthier than I have been in
a long time. I am back into my music
which literally soothes my soul and makes me happy. We've all begun to make new friends. We’re growing a garden and I haven’t killed
anything – yet. And "home" is beginning to feel more like "home".
I still mourn the loss of what I once had and the dreams for my family’s future that died before they could become reality, but I’m starting to understand who I am now and where God has placed me at this time. I miss my best friend and am lonely without him, but in many ways it is as if the man I married died in Afghanistan and I am left with the heartache of a widow. I don’t know where God is taking me from here and I spend way too much time wondering how this will all eventually play out, but I spend less time obsessing about it now than I did before.
I sit here today and reread what I wrote on this blog a year ago and I still agree
with it all. In many ways the biggest
change in my life has simply been becoming the Executive Officer of my household
with 100% of the share holdings and decision making responsibilities rather
than serving as a Vice President in a supporting role. But I have also come to realize just how long
I have really been single parenting and working alone on this family-building thing and am surprised with how much has really
not changed at all.
Don’t get me wrong, we still have challenges. I will lose my health insurance sometime next
month and have yet to find an insurance company willing to offer me something I
can afford – even with the aid of an insurance broker. Every member of my household is in counseling and some days the anger and hurt inside our home weighs on all of us like a wet blanket. And we still rely on the generosity of others to help us cover monthly expenses or
provide the opportunity for outings. But
I am continually learning how to trust more and question less. I’ve learned how to ask for help, though I
still hate to do it; how to simply say “thank you” to others' generosity rather
than feeling guilty for even considering it; and how to hold my tongue when I
want to beg God for explanations – though I still struggle with this one A LOT.
I still believe that divorce is wrong and that it is in no way right in
this situation, but there is even less I can do about that now than there was a
year ago. And although I struggle
immensely with what this means for my future, for my ability to reside within
God’s will, and for my preference to not live out my life as a single parent, I know that
I have approached each marriage-related decision in prayer and done my best to follow
His lead wherever I could. I know God
hates divorce. I know He doesn’t want
this for my family any more than I do, but I also remain steadfast in His promise
that He works all things for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
So I follow… as best I can. Even when I don't understand.
And I choose forgiveness. I love
my husband, or my wasband as he will
soon be, but as I stated before it is like the man I once knew deployed and never
came home. I believe that marriage is a
lifelong commitment and you do not end it because things get hard or people
change or life isn’t “fun” anymore.
Those are not reasons for divorce, those are the reasons every married
couple needs God’s guidance to renew and restore their relationship throughout
their lifetime together. But as the plaque we
received as a wedding present reads:
"Marriage takes three", and two can’t do it. Even when one of the two is Jesus.
So I am left alone in my human desire to
renew and restore. My husband desires
divorce. I cannot stop him. But I am not left alone. There are still two here – me and my Savior, Jesus Christ, and He has never stopped loving me, walked away, drifted from my side, missed a single moment, failed to hear a single prayer, or shied away from
any tears. I am single, but I am
not forsaken. I am lonesome, but I am
not alone. I have been left, but I am
not abandoned. What was meant to harm
has taken its toll and left some serious battle scars, but I am still standing,
have continued to grow through the struggles and am still fighting to come out the
other side better than I started. And my
children are here with me...
Last year I described my kids and I in this way: “We are
changed, but we are okay. We are
wounded, but we are strong. We are
mourning, but we will be comforted. We
were down, but we are not out.” Today
I stand by those words. It’s been a hard
year. A really hard year. And it
continues to be hard every day, but we still believe God is in control and we
trust in every promise He has made.
We could sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, hold grudges and
bad-mouth decisions we disagree with or we can continue to push forward, seek
God’s will and strive to find the beauty amid the ashes. We could cower under controversy, feel sorry for
ourselves and let someone else’s choices define us, or we can look to scripture
for guidance and find our worth in the love of our Heavenly Father. We can wallow in self-pity or foster
self-confidence. We can embrace
abandonment as defining moments in our lives or we can define our lives
through the unrestricted acceptance of Jesus Christ. We can allow others to burn us with their
rejection or be refined by the fire. We
can allow our hearts to grow in brokenness or use our broken hearts to grow us
in faith. As head of my household, I choose the path
that brings glory to God and I stand firm in my conviction to “Let love be
genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good’ love one another with
brotherly affection; outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:9-10)
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is a choice, not a reward. Moving forward is a choice, not an entitlement. Service is a choice, not a requirement. Survival is a choice, not a guarantee. And as head of my household I make a lot of daily choices, and I do my best to make the right ones. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But true as it was a year ago, my constant aim is the same: As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Finally, no good reflective blog of mine would be complete without at least one song reference and I have thought long and hard about what song best defines me and my life at this moment in time. The answer that continues to play in my mind... Matthew West's "We Are the Broken". I know last year I made a big deal about my household not being "a broken home", and I still stand by that claim, but this song refers to a different type of broken - a brokenness of human imperfection called to His loving arms just as we are. I cannot help but find comfort in lyrics that proclaim:
We are the weak,
the wrong,
the too far gone
We are the outcasts, yeah,
We are the outcasts, yeah,
but today we belong
We are the lost,
the found,
the been knocked down
But we got back up and now we are the city on a hill...
One year ago I posted to this blog weak, lost and struggling to keep from being knocked down. Today I write from a position far stronger, found and standing tall. Am I out of the woods? Of course not. Nor do I come anywhere close to having all of the answers or having found all the solutions. But I am growing into what I do have and I am reveling in the love of my Father. We are the broken, but even with the little bit I have I am called to come as I am and that is where I am.
So, here's to next year. Again I look forward... forward to what April 1, 2014 will bring to this blog and what wonders of the Father I will have to report at that time. Hopefully this year will be one of further growth in the areas of faith and trust as well as providing me more miracles and mysteries to share with you. Whatever it brings I trust that it will continue to refine me and that God's beautiful light will shine through the cracks in my heart and we will shine like stars for His glory.
And for those not familiar with the song, here is the link for "We Are The Broken." Just be sure to crank it up and sing along - it truly is a song of victory. We are the broken, but we come as we are and we WILL shine like stars!
