Wow, it’s been a long
time since I’ve posted anything on here.
I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but today I am back
(again, not sure if that’s a good thing or bad) and I’m trying something a bit
new.
One of the reasons I
don’t post here much anymore is simply because I don’t have the time at my
computer to do so, but I recently found a possible solution to that issue. Now that I have turned the corner of
technology and have a “smart” phone, I have started talking to myself in the
car. Okay, I’ve always talked to myself aloud
just a bit, but now I can actually record my musings and not have to retain
anything of consequence in my head for later transcription from memory. I can actually record things (cool!) and then
transcribe them later when I have time.
Of course, I still haven’t done that either – something about that time
at my computer thing – but today I’m going to try.
Over the past couple
months I have recorded several such monologues and as I finally reviewed them
this morning, I find that they are an amazing record of the amazing work God
has been doing in my life, and that is worth sharing. So, that is what I am going to do. Piece by piece. One recorded musing at a time. This
is the first one, there are a few more coming.
They may seem a bit odd, as I simply am transcribing them from stream of
consciousness recordings rather than writing a well-edited read-only document,
but I’m going to try it. Hopefully you’ll
catch something meaningful in them.
Hopefully God will use them to His glory. And hopefully you won’t think I’ve completely
gone off the deep end.
All that said, here goes…
Part One – This is My Time
This is my time.
My time to be single.
My time to learn to love God better.
To learn to love myself. To learn
to take care of myself. To be free. To have fun.
To enjoy life. Like I did when I
was in college… when I would say that I was, you know, “High on life”. And it’s been a long time since I’ve been high
on life.
This is my time - I’m getting a redo, a second chance. I could spend all my time feeling sorry for
myself, that I’m alone, and that I lost my marriage, and my husband... But that’s all looking backward. This is my time to look forward. I don’t know how long this time will last… It could end tomorrow. It could end in five minutes when I walk into
Costco… I could run into the man of my
dreams and fall madly in love and run off to be missionaries together and
praise God and use all of our talents and desires to live for Him. And be perfectly happy, and in love with God
still… but it wouldn’t be the same.
This is my time to be me.
This is my time to enjoy Him fully. To have Him to myself. To be selfish.
And to just… be me. Everything
happens for a reason, and God uses everything. This is my
time. My beauty from ashes. And there will be more beauty. And there will be more ashes. But right now this is my time to enjoy the
beauty from ashes. And I plan to live
it. I worked hard to get here, and it’s
not that I deserve anything… I worked hard to get here… and I’m happy to
be here. And I don’t want to waste
it.
What good is it to be here if I let it go by and not enjoy
it and let God show me. I’ve been
looking for Him for so long. Trying to find Him… find what He wants. And I would be stupid to spend all that time
and then ignore the chance I have to see it all. This is my time.
This is my time to be me.
This is my time to love Him.
This is my time to let Him dote on me, to let Him be my
husband, to let Him show me what real love is. To let Him romance me, and talk me into crazy
things, and just put a smile on my face for the little things. Just the little thoughts. All those things we want an earthly husband
to do. All those things that you read
about in romance books, or see in chick flicks, or, you know, dream about when
you’re daydreaming or watching some other cute couple walk by. This is my time… to let God love me. To love on me.
He loves me all the time.
He wants to love on me all the time.
But when life picks up it’s like Paul said, the married are distracted by
the things of this world and the unmarried can really focus on Christ. And I think I missed that when I was young. I mean, I loved God, and I can’t remember a
time when I didn’t. And I was in high
school when I committed to wanting to use my life to serve Him, but I missed
all that Paul stuff. The focus on Him. The not being distracted. Now being distracted by a family is not a bad
thing… God wants us to be happy. He wants us to love each other. He wants us to find love. He wants us to…. He established marriage. He created the
idea. Obviously it’s not a bad thing, it’s
something that He desires for us to have.
But He also desires us to desire Him. And to be focused on Him. And earthly
distractions are just that. And this is my time.
This is my time to be wholly His. To be holy.
To be set apart. To relish in whatever He puts before me. I heard a
saying a long time ago, that “you’ll be ready to remarry when you don’t need to.” And I know that’s true. And now, there’s a part of me that doesn’t
want to... I want to. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my
life, I want a partner. I want a partner in crime… I want a partner
in worship… I want a partner in parenting.
I want a partner in bike riding, and running, and being silly, and
staying up late… eating too many cookies, and saying silly things, and sending
silly text messages. Oh, a partner in
everything. A partner to wake up to in
the morning, a partner to snuggle up with at night… I want it all.
I desire it all.
But not right now.
If I walk into Costco and fall in love with the man of my
dreams, and that’s the appointed time and place that God has chosen to direct
my path… Great. I am not going to run
screaming from the building saying, “Sorry!
I’m having too much fun by myself!”
But from here… to the curb… I’m going to enjoy it.
I don’t know how long I have this time to be alone. I don’t know how long I have this time to live
in this place. And life will be great when I’m out of this place. And life was great before. Yes… the last
couple years have been a little bit worse than the rest, but I have been
blessed beyond measure. I had a wonderful
husband, and a loving marriage, and beautiful children, and dreams, and
successes and failures and hand-holding, and arguments… and snuggling, and
separations… You know, gosh, I’ve lived
a FULL life and I’m not even that old. I
mean, my kids will tell you that I’m old, but…
I’ve been the army wife.
I’ve been the stay-at-home mom. I’ve
been the working mom. I’ve been the
married with no kids. I’ve been through
deployment. I’ve been through buying a
house, selling a house… adoption, birth… moving. Bouncing checks… having money to blow. I’ve had… I’ve had it all. And this is right
now. And right now is good. And I’m okay.
And I’m happy. And I’m
content.
I’ve often talked about content – the difference between
happy and content, but I am truly
content. I have learned so much in the last couple of
years. I have drawn so much closer to God, and I have such a better relationship with Christ than I ever had - that I
ever understood that I could have. Talk
about beauty from ashes… I mean, that is
the most beautiful thing in the world.
And that’s where I am.
I am ready to enjoy the beauty. The ashes are there… There’s kind of a layer of them all around
the place… on the shelves, on the couch, on the flower petals. But the beauty is there. And this is my time. This is my
time. To be romanced by the King of
kings. To be treated like a queen. Like a princess. Like royalty.
To be treated the way I never dreamt, never imagined that it would be. I’m not alone. I am loved, and I am pursued, and this is my
time.
My time to be.
My time to enjoy.
And my time to go to Costco…
So, for at least the next twenty-five steps I will enjoy
it. And… if I get inside and Mr. Right
is waiting for me, Mr. Wonderful… I’ll be well.
But Mr. Wonderful is already with me.
He goes everywhere with me. And
that’s okay, because this is my time.
And I plan to enjoy it.
May the peace that passes all understanding lead us, and our hearts and our minds to Christ
Jesus, who is and who was and who is to come.
Amen.
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