Ramblings of a Healing Heart, Part Three: Dispelling Myths

This is the third in a series of posts taken from recordings of my thoughts.  Please understand that what follows was transcribed from a recording and not put together as a well-edited, read-only document.  Read accordingly...

Not of this world...  based on scripture by Paul… We are to be in this world, but not of this world.  So, striving to be not of this world...  I will attempt to dispel a few of the myths that the world is telling me…

Myth Number One:  Money matters. 

Sometimes I forget how poor I am.  I’m pretty poor… and it takes a lot of help from a lot of places for me to get through a month.  And sometimes I forget how poor I am.  Not because I go out and spend money I don’t have, but because my life is fine without it.  We don’t go to the movies.  We don’t go out to eat.  We don’t go to the symphony.  We don’t go to Disneyland.  We don’t do a lot of things… but we do enjoy each other.  We do have game night.  We do have movie night.  We do go to the library.  We do go to the park.  We do laugh, and have a great time.  And we run.  And we ride bikes.  And we garden in our backyard.  And…  do so much.  And most of what we do is interpersonal.  Where most of what we don’t do is… individual.  Going to the movies might be great, but once they turn off the lights you don’t talk to the person next to you.  It’s just you and the movie screen.  And, you know, buying tickets to the symphony… same thing.   And trust me, I love the symphony so I don’t say that meanly.  But what we do is a whole lot more family interactive. 

I don’t hire babysitters.  Which, you know, is a pain in the tail, because I never get any time off, but it also means that where one of us goes we all go.  So we end up supporting each other, and spending a lot more time together, and being in the car, and singing along with the radio… and doing things that wouldn't happen if people were left at home with a babysitter.  So, dispel myth number one – money matters.  It’s not about money.  How many verses are in the Bible about serving money?  And how dangerous it is…  And putting money before other priorities… and money before family.  And, you know, money… money can be an evil thing.  And very easily. 

Myth Number Two:  People are expendable.

One of the hardest things for me as a divorced mom… of five… to do… is to teach my children that God hates divorce.  That it is wrong.  That it is not necessary, except in extreme situations.  That God can renew anything.  God can rebuild anything.  God can restore any relationship.  And that one day when they get married they make a commitment for their entire life.  Through good… and through bad.  In sickness… and in health.  For, you know, richer and poorer.  It’s not you're married when it feels good and then when you think someone else feels better you run off and go be with that person.  Or you’re married until it gets hard, and somebody is sick and life isn't so fun, and you’re spending a lot of time dealing with their illness… be it physical or mental, short-term or chronic.  And you don’t just quit and walk away because you’re tired of having to help them.  And when times get tough and you have to work a little harder to pay the bills, or you can’t pay the bills, or you have so much money you can throw it in the wind… you don’t just walk away because now life is boring.. or life is hard. 

And that is one of the hardest things to teach my kids, because the example that they see is… life got hard, and the marriage ended.  And that was that.  And now, you know, Mom can look for a new husband or Dad can look for a new wife.  They can go find somebody else, or go find something new, or do something different.  And as much as I want them to learn that yes, if I am ever to be in a relationship again I will do things differently…  I’ve learned a lot about myself… and I’ve learned most of all how to better be Jesus to my spouse...  And I hope that if I do get married again , or am even in a relationship again, that that newfound knowledge follows through.  But that is one of the hardest things.  And one of the myths to dispel is that people are expendable.  People aren’t expendable.  People are people.  And even when you’re angry with them, or you don’t understand them, or they hurt you… they’re still people.  And we’re still called to pray for them… and to minister to them… and to be Jesus to them... even when it's hard.

Myth Number Three:  You have to be married – single isn’t good enough. 

I was married… for almost twenty years… and I loved it.  I loved my husband.  I loved my family.  I loved, okay not every aspect of my life… but I loved the dreams we had, and the future we had planned, and all of the potential that was in front of us.  So, if things were hard, and we were going through deployment number three or four… or, you know, I was working full time with kid number three or four on it’s way...  It was okay.  It was worth it.  Because the trade-off was the future that was coming.  The potential.  So, I get… I get that the world says, “You need to be married.  You need to be part of a couple.”  The message that you need to be in a relationship.  You need this or that.  You can’t be on your own.  God intends people to be with people.  And that might be true, but I will also tell you that I am single… and I am whole. 

Honestly, I’m probably more whole now than I was when I was married.  Because when you’re single, you don’t have anybody to clean up after you.  To clean up your emotional mess…  To carry you through… And as hard as that is, it’s also a real growth experience because you learn… to do it yourself… to face the music.  You learn to do the hard stuff, to step up, to take care of yourself, to stop waiting for someone to rescue you, to stop counting on someone else to do it, to stop feeling sorry for yourself because nobody is.  Because it’s you.  It’s your responsibility, and it’s your place.  And, yes, you need help.  And, yes, people will step in.  But ultimately, at the end of the day, it’s you and God.  And you’ve got to throw it at His feet and say, “I’m here, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I am by myself, and I can’t do this by myself, and I need You, Lord, more than ever in my entire life because I can’t do this by myself.”  And that is one of the most freeing things about being single. 

I don’t have someone else to rely on.  I don’t have someone in the back of mind that keeps me saying, “Gosh, I wish he would do this,” or “I wish he would do that,” or “if he would only do this,” or “if we could only do that.”  It’s just me and God.  And there’s nothing I have to bring to God to help Him. 

When you’re married it’s a trade-off...  You bring things to the relationship to help complete your spouse, and your spouse brings things to the relationship that help to complete you.  But God is complete.  He doesn't need me to bring anything.  And as messed up as I am, and as needy as I am, and as incomplete as I am, and as desperate as I am for Him to fill in the holes and repair the cracks, and renew me and refresh me…  I bring Him nothing. 

He needs nothing from me.  And He still has His arms open wide saying, “Come.  Come be with Me!  Come!”  And it’s not because He wants anything.  It’s not a human relationship where we say, “Come, be with me… I love the feel of your arm around me…I love the comfort of holding your hand…I love waking up in the morning and seeing your smiling face…or your messed up hair,” whatever the case may be.  You know, we are in relationships that no matter how unselfish they be, they are still fulfilling for us. 

God doesn’t need us.  He is complete without us.  And yet He longs for us to be with Him.  And that is a whole different kind of worth than being in a human relationship.  We can want somebody to long to be with us.  We can want that late night phone call.  We can want that romantic dinner.  We can want that note left on the mirror in the bathroom.  We can want all those things… to feel needed… to feel loved…  And God gives it to us all…  He longs for us to come and be with Him.  He doesn’t need us…  He doesn’t need us to help Him feel good.  He doesn’t need us to help Him feel complete.  He doesn’t need us to make Him feel special.  And yet, He wants us anyway. 

So, the myth is – you have to be in a relationship to be whole.  You have to have somebody else.  The truth is, you don’t need another human being to be whole.  It’s you and Christ.  And He can fill any hole… far better than any human being can.  Because humans give… but they also take.  It’s a trade-off.  And with God, the trade-off is:  He already gave.  He gave it all.  He gave His son… so that we can come… and give nothing in return.  Myth number three – dispelled.  You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to be whole.  Christ wants you in a relationship... with Him... wholly.