“Duh, Mom!” Moment #517

Last night I had one of those totally “duh” moments that anyone who has ever realized how simple something they thought was completely, overwhelmingly complicated will totally understand.  I was sitting in the hallway, monitoring the supposed-to-be-sleeping crew while reading the book Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe (yes, that’s the real title) by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson when I came across these words:

The only formula I want my children to tuck deep into their hearts is this:  God has weaved each of us uniquely, and we are wonderfully made in His image.  We have sin-tattered hearts, but Jesus mends them when we lean into Him and trust Him with our lives.  There’s the formula.  Give Him the bad, and He’ll give you the beautiful.  It’s the human story offered by a compassionate God.  “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13). (pgs 29-30)

Well, duh!  Don’t I already know this?  Don’t I dwell on it every day?  Well, yep, I do.  Unfortunately, I far too often dwell on it from the other direction.  Bad behavior, poor choices, lying, cheating, stealing, arguing, self-sabotage, defiance, and every other “sin” my children commit on a daily basis is all because of their sin-sick hearts, right?  (And, yes, I am very well aware that I just wrote “my children commit” knowing full-well I do exactly the same things.  Just as often.)

But see, the “duh” here came in the backward.  Instead of trying to change the behaviors to correct the heart, the job God has given me as a mother is to be focused on the Heart.  That sweet, genuine, loveable, though perhaps wounded and scarred, soul that is so precious to our heavenly Father.  If I can teach (convince?) my children of their extraordinary value in the eyes of their living Savior, then the behaviors currently produced by guilt, shame, jealousy, and the like will undoubtedly change as a result.

I mean, seriously, isn’t that exactly what I try to do daily with myself?  Study scripture, stay focused on godly things, shun Satan’s snares and tricks, all to stay close to the Father so that my every decision and action will have that much better chance of me NOT turning away from Him when tempted.  Focus the heart, change the behavior.  So why is it I am constantly trying to change my children’s behavior?

I have the same conversation quite often with two of my children that I cannot make sleep.  I can put them to bed on time.  We can read stories, brush teeth, pray, apply essential oils, turn off the lights, turn on peaceful music, etc., etc., but I cannot MAKE them sleep.  That choice must be theirs.  (And believe me, they have both made an art-form of staying awake.)  But maybe that’s just the “duh” point.  They don’t sleep because they both deal with extreme anxiety.  They are not trying to be defiant. (Okay, sometimes they are…)  They simply do not yet have the inner peace needed to truly relax and trust the world around them so that they can fall asleep upon crawling into bed. 

So, again, focus the heart, change the behavior.

But, of course, it’s not that easy.  Because the same is true in the opposite direction.  Hasn’t just this topic been the focus of my prayers for the wasband for going on two years now?  His heart was changed and so followed his behavior.  But both of those alterations were in a direction away from God.  And how easy is that?  Like SUPER EASY.  The human heart is a fickle thing.  Tempted to follow the voice that is the loudest.  The most exciting.  The most persistent.  The easiest to accept.  The most fun.  The one we think people are less likely to question.  The one with the quickest and most profitable rewards.  The voice offering the most immediate pleasurable outcome.

But God’s voice isn’t loud.  It isn’t non-confrontational.  It doesn’t always ask us to do the “easy” thing and it very often requires great faith in the waiting and strength in the position.  For God’s is a still, small voice.  Calling us to follow Him despite all the other voices vying for our attention.  No matter the cost.  No matter the popularity.  No matter the obstacles or the butting of heads that will ensue.   

But God’s voice always calls our hearts to His peace.

Which brings me back full-circle.  Change the heart, change the behavior.  Accept the Peace, walk with the Savior.  Know Jesus, follow His lead in confidence whether alone or with others.

So, “Duh, Mom” moment #517 –

Stop trying to micromanage the little things, Mom.  Lead their hearts to Christ and all the other stuff will follow.

Goals, Dreams and Atari Pitfall

The other day I was given an assignment by my counselor to determine at least one goal and one dream for myself going forward from this point.  Things that will make me feel happy, alive, content, motivated and satisfied.  Okay, to be perfectly honest, I was given that assignment almost two weeks ago and I have procrastinated greatly in doing what I was asked so I am here writing this down trying to get my thoughts together.  Okay, so I’ve thought about it before now, I have just somewhat purposefully put off making any kind of legitimate decision about anything because, well, because that would mean risking disappointment and failure.  And, well, I just don’t really want to deal with any of that right now.

Right now, I’m more of a “sure thing” kinda gal, at least where I have an option.  I’ve got the things I do, the hoops I jump through, the obstacles I navigate around, the pitfalls I’ve learned to swing my way across, and well, I’m feeling pretty good at those.  Right now.  There might be tough stuff along the way, but I’ve kind of formed a working relationship with them and we seem to respect each other’s perspectives at this point, and although I wouldn’t say we are a team we do coexist somewhat peacefully.  For right now.

Honestly, it's kind of like playing Atari Pitfall.  Backwards.   

Does anyone other than me actually remember that game?  A little man in green clothes (because there were only about three colors available on the screen) running through the forest searching for gold and bags of money and such.  I used to love that game (at least when I would go to my cousin's house, because we weren’t “cool” enough to have an Atari system.  Ha!).  And I could score really high too, but mainly because I played backward. 

For those unfamiliar with the concept of Pitfall, at the beginning of the game you were supposed to run your little man to the right and the jungle obstacles – crocodiles, rolling barrels, tar pits, etc. – would scroll across the screen as you ran toward the various treasures.  But if you turned around and ran to the left the screen would also scroll that direction, letting you reach the biggest treasures first while navigating the obstacles from behind.  And let me tell you, it is far easier to dodge a rolling barrel when you are running along behind it rather than having it roll headlong in your direction.  It’s also easier to jump on the toothless part of a crocodile head from behind.

Cheating, you say?  Well, yes, probably.  But I was seriously about ten years old so cut me a little slack if you don’t mind.  And, anyway, I prefer to call it “creative genius” as Pitfall and PacMan were about the extent of my home videogame system experiences until I started dating the wasband in college.  (At which time that list expanded to include Mario and Crash Bandicoot – whoo hoo!)

So, seriously, you're probably wondering, "Deb, what’s the point?"  You didn’t come over here to read about my Atari/PlayStation experience…  

Well, just as I found my groove with Pitfall so many lifetimes ago, I seem to have somewhat found my groove, as it may be, in my current existence.  And that is a good thing.  To an existent.  Good in that I have confidence in me (Yes, think Sound of Music if you like…).  Good in that I am content in my circumstances, growing in my faith, starting to make my own San Diego friends, feeling like I’m finding a bit more of my niche at church, etc.  But in many ways, I’ve also found a way to play the game backwards.  Playing it safe.  Avoiding conflict by running behind the obstacles rather than facing them head on.  And definitely living in the world of put-nothing-in-writing-that-you-don’t-want-to-be-called-out-on-later.

So, committing to goals and dreams is actually a pretty scary proposition at this point.  What if I set a goal – an actual personal, take-a-risk goal...and fail?  What if I share a real dream - a real-live I-really-wish-this-would-happen desire... and it blows up in my face?  

What if?  

What if.  

What if…

Now, the rational grown-up in me says, “So what?”, “Who cares?”, “Dream big or go home.”  But the scared little girl inside says, “No, no, no, I’ve been played for the fool before and I’m not going there again.”  My heart may be healing, but it’s still recovering from an unexpected attack and that has left me very wary of venturing far from what I can pre-screen, coordinate or thoroughly investigate before going in.  I’ve never been very brave, and have always tended to be the more observational wall-flower than the risk-taking social butterfly, but these days I tend to go to great lengths to keep my past wounds guarded from any danger of reinjury.  So that makes those “What if’s” very unsettling.

But I guess that’s really the point of the whole assignment, isn’t it?  To look beyond right now.  To challenge myself to grow.  And to dare myself to dream in color again.  To look into the future and see the potential, the what-do-I-really-want, for the rest of my life.  Because, you see, I’ve done that before.  I had a pocket full of goals and a heart full of dreams and they were all tossed asunder when my life was turned upside down by someone else’s choices.  Completely out of my control.  And the cold hard truth is, I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again.  I want to play it safe.  To know where the obstacles are ahead of time and sneak up on the crocodiles from behind.  But life doesn’t work like that.  And I’m not in control anyway.  There’s no Atari controller here.  No option to go backward, only forward.   

So, of course, I thought of you all.  To put everything out there for you and have a few hands to hold along the way...  If I’m going to dream, dream big, right?  So here goes...   

My official goals and dreams for my life to come – win or lose, succeed or fail – as of October 2, 2013.

The dream:

To fall in love with a Christ-centered man and experience a lifestyle of love and mutual ministry in our home and in public venues.  To go on family vacations.  To have lazy Saturday mornings with my children and best friend.  Dad playing ball with Jack (and probably a few of the girls). Mom serving holiday dinners with Dad at the head of the table and kids lined up along both sides.  Date-night with my husband that sometimes turns into a romantic overnight get-away.  And a house full of people who are secure enough in their Father’s love to walk in emotionally healthy relationships with friends and family leading to strong, committed friendships and marriages with Christ ever at their core.

That’s the dream.  A tall order maybe, but the romantic, old-fashioned notion that dominates my “perfect life” scenario.  Not riches or a jet-setting lifestyle.  Not perfect people in the perfect house with perfect jobs and perfect hair.  Just a household built around Christ, filled with people loving each other through thick and thin, enjoying every minute God has given us with each other, and never taking our blessings for granted.  The Dream.

And now for the more practical, more immediate, more me-responsible-for-doing-it part…

My Goals:

*To continue to grow and remain emotionally healthy and stable through sound counseling, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, and positive relationships.

*To continue to create a solid base of friends in the San Diego area so that I someday have a list of Someones to call on the rare occasion I have a free afternoon or evening.  

*To find a way to supplement my income without taking time and focus from providing Christ-centered healthy parenting for all five of my children.

*To spend more time writing and pursue the possibility of publishing a book of some kind.

*To reclaim my status of vocal and visible advocate for orphans and Show Hope despite my distance from their home-base and major activities.

*To use the experiences God has given me (and subsequent successes, scars. growth and knowledge) to help someone else through similar circumstances while bringing glory to God in the process.

*To continually put love before fear and frustration and never give up the dream of being an amazing woman of God unashamed of the journey I’m traveling to get there.

Well... I did it.   

I put all those I-wish thoughts that have been bouncing around in the vast space between my ears for months now down on paper and then on my computer and now out there in cyberspace for anyone in the world to stumble upon.  So, I guess that’s that.  We’ll just have to wait and see where I go from here.  

Anyone want to join me by putting your own Dream and Goals in writing?  Or sharing?  I make no claim to know where I am going in life or to have any control over much of anything, but regardless of my receiving or accomplishing any of what I’ve listed above, my prayer remains that the Lord guide each step I take and direct my heart to Him.  And may He do the same for you.  Share with another of just brainstorm for yourself.  But through it all, to Him be the glory and the honor and the praise.  Amen.