The Voices in My Head (And How I've Trained Them to Sing in Unison)

One of my very favorite authors is Frank Peretti.  You know, one of those favorites who writes books you read over and over again and never get tired of?  I don’t know if you’ve ever read any of his books, but there is imagery in Piercing the Darkness (the sequel to This Present Darkness) that has lived a life of its own in my head from the very first time I read it.  From my very first reading I understood exactly what the character (Sally) was feeling each time her thoughts became jumbled and fragmented (in this case by demon antics) and have never found a better description of such an experience of mental chaos as Peretti’s words.  Whether you believe in demons and angels or simply cast confusion as a product of irrational thoughts, there is no denying the turmoil caused in the human mind when the brain is unable to process complete thoughts due to overpowering emotions or anxiety.    

Let me share a short excerpt from Chapter 6 to show what I’m talking about.

“Perhaps her mind wouldn’t get scrambled if she put it all down on paper.  She could record her thoughts before they melted away…
But Despair was wounded, humiliated, indignant, and determined to redeem himself.  He hung on her back like a coal-black leech, sucking out her will, whispering confusion to her mind.  The other three spirits were with him, circling Sally, taunting her, jabbing her with their swords.
Insanity whipped his sword right through her brain.
Sally stared at the paper… Nothing would come…  She just had it, she was groing to write it down, and now it was gone…
Insanity, cackling his witchy laugh, grabbed her mind between his two hairy palms and dug in his talons.  Death joined in the attack….
She could hear voices in the room, taunting her, and could feel sharp claws tugging at her.  They remained invisible, hiding from her, teasing, tormenting.
Then came Fear.  Sally was overcome with a numbing, paralyzing fear.  She was lost and falling, spinning, tumbling in space.  She couldn’t stop…
All four spirits were clustered around Sally’s head, whipping her consciousness into a myriad of senseless fragments.”

That’s it.  That’s the confusion.  Whether they are real “voices” in your head, or merely negative or confused thoughts you cannot escape, or insurmountable worry that consumes you until you can’t think about anything else, mental chaos exists, and for some of us it can be a way of life at times.  So here is the meat of the matter…

For anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me (which unfortunately is very few people at this point), it is no surprise for me to share that I have always had severe ups and downs in my moods.  The older I got the more I could control this, disguise the symptoms, balance the extremes, and normalize myself in public, but I didn’t find anything close to a cure until I was in college when a solid, grounded, emotionally intimate relationship became a regulating force for what I would later learn to be a chemically-imbalanced aspect of my persona.  This close-to-cure, however, was unfortunately based upon human interactions and fallible the same as all humans are so when its existence began to waver so did my inner regulation.   Suffice it to say, not really a good plan for long-term regulatory success.

So now what?  How do I do it?  How do I manage to be everywhere I am supposed to be, do everything I am supposed to do, visit every doctor we’re supposed to visit, feed everyone I am supposed to feed, bathe everyone I am supposed to bathe (please don’t ever check me on that one!), and not run away to hide under a rock with the snakes in Rattlesnake Valley to escape “a myriad of senseless fragments”?  Well, I live with a certain amount of numbness and very often simply do as I’m told.   

Your daughter’s teeth are “weak” and she has developed eleven cavities in less than a year – okay, let’s fill them.  You can no longer live in military housing – okay, we’ll move.  The house you plan to rent still hasn't closed escrow with the new owners - okay, we'll just start driving across the country and hope we have a home when we get there.  Your four-year-old needs to have half of his teeth removed – okay, let’s pull them.  Your child suffers from an anxiety disorder – okay, how do I help her manage that?  Your child needs open heart surgery – okay, where’s the surgeon’s office?  And so on and so on…

But despite all of this forward motion, while dealing with the here and now-ness of things I have lately been plagued by one nagging question:  Why aren’t I mad?  (Also phrased by others around me as “You should be mad”, “You need to get mad”, “You have every right to be mad”, “It’s okay to be mad”, etc.)

Perhaps some of that numbness masked by direction-following is part of the answer to that, but I think it also comes down to the the fight or flight paradigm.  I am definitely not a “flight-er”, but “fight-er” doesn’t seem quite right either.  I think I’m simply more of a “do-er”.  I was raised to do what needs to be done.  Don’t whine about it.  Don’t put off the inevitable.  Get on your knees, suck it up, and just do it.  If you don’t understand, pray for wisdom.  If you don’t know where to begin, pray for direction.  If you don’t know how to do it, pray for vision.  If you don’t know if you can, pray for faith.  But beyond it all, let go and let God. 

Some will call this strength, but the price of that “strength” is often the numbness I mentioned before.  There is something to be said about getting things done, but there is also a point at which doing becomes going through the motions and feelings become blocked from sight and overshadowed by practicality.

Am I not mad because I’m not mad?  Am I not mad because God has granted me peace beyond human understanding?  Or am I not mad because I am simply numb?  And that is where I find the voices in my head chatting amongst themselves…  Creating doubt over the fact I’m not doubting.  Generating turmoil among feelings of peace and prosperity.  Throwing just enough off-kilter to leave me feeling led to share my peace with others searching for a similar frame of mind all the while questioning if maybe I am just a fraud who thinks I’m at peace but am really just numb.

Am I matter of fact for the right reasons?  Am I matter of fact because I’ve decided to be?  (Like it’s that easy!)  Am I matter of fact because there really is a peace that is so pervasive you cannot even begin to imagine it until you truly experience it’s all-encompassing covering  in the midst of circumstances you never dreamed of?

My life experiences can place me among many different groups of people in the midst of many different circumstances.

*I didn’t marry the man I left high school convinced I would marry, but I did marry my college sweetheart
*I have been a working mother and a stay-at-home mom
*I have been a classroom teacher, a part-time worker, and unemployed
*I’ve been a renter, a home owner and a low-rent tenant
*I have been married 18 years and am working through an undesired divorce
*I’ve had multiple miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy requiring termination (yes, that means abortion…), and given birth twice
*I’ve adopted two “healthy” infants and I’ve adopted a “waiting”, “older” child
*I have two bachelor degrees, one master’s degree and yet I collect WIC checks each month because I need help feeding my family
*I’ve waited to be old enough to adopt, adopted three times and am now again ineligible to even consider it
*I’ve been married with no children and a double income, I’ve been single with five children living on very limited means
*I’ve struggled with depression on my own, and I’ve found successful treatment for depression with help
*I’ve been a military wife through four over-seas deployments, stationed on base only once, through a pregnancy, and through international adoption travel

And this list could just keep going…

By no means have I done it all or do I know everything, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I’ve got a lot in common with a lot of different cultural and/or social circles.  And that is what I keep hearing amidst the throng of jumbled voices in my head.  Connect.  Reach out.  Share your perspective.  Make a connection with those you can.  Use what you have.  Use what He’s given you.  Share what He’s done for you.  Let Him lead you.  And you know what?  Following those directions doesn’t make me feel so numb.

I honestly believe I am not mad in my current circumstances because my being mad isn’t what God needs me to be right now.  Maybe His job description for me right now really is as simple as:  Be content.  Make peace with where you are and embrace it for My glory.  Accept what is past as the past and journey boldly toward what can be.

I get that Jesus got mad.  And I know mad is okay, but for me mad comes as a direct result of feeling out of control.  I get mad when my kids don’t listen and I feel ignored.  I get made when I’m late and people won’t get out of my way on the freeway (because they should all know I’m late!).  I get mad when I feel like I’ve failed and am embarrassed by my shortcomings.  I get mad when my computer doesn’t move fast enough for me, when the dog won’t come in from the backyard, when I can’t push the right button on the TV and end up missing a new episode of my favorite show…  But this whole parenting solo, single-mom, divorcee thing just doesn’t feel “mad” to me.

I don’t feel out of control.  Don’t get me wrong - I am out of control.  Truth be told, I am actually in control of very little in my life right now.  I mean I couldn’t even get my dog to get out of bed this morning, but this particular out of control isn’t one that alarms me.  Because I know who IS in control, and He is the King of Peace.

There is a Matthew West song (yes, I know, another Matthew West song, what can I say….) that states, “I should be happy.  I should be living up these days just like I know who rules this place”, and THAT is where I am.  Happy.  Perhaps not in a worldly definition of the word, but in one of contentment with where He’s placed me.  And that leaves me focused and all of those crazy-making voices out of luck, because no matter how much they try to stir up trouble when I stop trying to figure it all out I can really focus on where He’s placed me right now.  And that is when the voices in my head can finally sing in unison, “What you see is what you get, what you see is how I FEEL."  Because I'm HAPPY.