On Rising Above

Some will criticize me for posting this blog, accusing me of being vindictive and trying to strike out in retribution in some way, perhaps even of slander, but that is most certainly not my intent.  I have left details vague on purpose and have only written about others what was necessary to share my own thoughts on the matter.  It has been my foremost prayer lately that the Lord show me how I can best use what He has given me to serve Him and reach out to others through my experiences.  This post is a result of those prayers as I have truly felt the Lord pushing me to voice the atypical so that it may connect with other women in my same position looking for connection and perspective. I pray you may read it as such.

I have known for a long time that my husband (not quite yet my wasband) was involved with another woman, but it wasn’t until two days ago that I had undeniable proof of the affair (whether emotional or otherwise) and thus have come face to face with the hard decisions of how I will deal with the situation.  How to feel about him.  How to feel about her.  How to feel about the whole sordid thing…  I keep asking myself, “What would Jesus do?”  And the answer is vividly clear in my mind.  If I were to stand before Him and ask His direction, Jesus would calmly write in the dirt at our feet, look me straight in the eye, and say, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone...” (John 8:7)

The fact is, I am a poor miserable sinner and I am no better or worse than anyone else.  There are literally chapters of the Bible written about adulterous women and the reasons men should avoid them, but there are also chapters written about all the sins I commit as well.  I try to do the right thing, but I don’t.  I am a sinner just like my husband.  Just like his girlfriend.  Just like the friends and family members who have accepted an extra-marital relationship without more than a flinch and somehow found peace with my children being abandoned by their father in exchange for a new life.

I want to be mad.  I want to be angry.  I want to feel something viral and mean and volcanic…  But I just can’t.  Because all I find in my heart is sadness.  And hurt.  And it really isn’t even for me.  I am sad for my husband.  I am sadden by who he has become.  I am sad that he has thrown away so much for so little.  That his life is wrapped in lies and deception.  I am saddened and hurting for my children, that once again they are going to suffer emotional pain and anguish as the truth comes to light, and sickened that they will have even more trust-busting interactions with their father as their eyes are opened to all he has been hiding from them.  And I am sad for her - “the other woman”.  I do not understand her.  I do not understand adultery.  I do not understand the human ability to dismiss bad behavior in order to have what is not yours.  But I do understand that the whole thing just makes me want to pray for her.

Why do women do this?  What is it in our culture, in our world, in our humanness that drives women to desire men who are blatantly untrustworthy?  I don’t get it.  Why would you want to date a man who is willing to walk away from a commitment he made before God and man so you can?  Doesn’t that simply tell you that this is a man not to be trusted?  That this is a man who is very likely to do the exact same thing to you down the road when he meets the next apple of his eye?  And, honestly, why would any man want a relationship with a woman who does not care that he is already in a committed marital relationship with another woman?  What kind of character does this woman have that she sees no wrong in destroying a God-ordained union, with or without children involved?  What exactly is attractive about a relationship begun and sustained in deceit, theft, broken commitments and selfishness?   I just don’t get it.

But here I am.  Living in the wake of such choices.  Watching from the other side, wondering how we all even got here.  And for a few hours yesterday morning I truly felt as if I was sitting smack dab in the middle of the filth and stench of their mess right along with them, and it made me want to puke - right there in the car in the parking lot of Target.  But then I realized, I’m not.  This is not my pot of rottenness to stir.  This is not my mess to clean up, my string of lies to unwind, my selfish choices to regret.  And I refuse to accept any different.    

I made a commitment to myself many moons ago that I would come out of this whole ordeal better and not bitter and I stand by that commitment more today than ever.  This is not my filth.  Over the past eighteen months I have done my best to follow the Biblical guide of confronting a Christian brother who has sinned against me (Matthew 18:15ff, Galations 6:1ff) and, honestly, there is nothing I could do about the situation that is worse than what they have already done to themselves.  My priorities now are my children, their faith and core values, and my own walk with my Lord.  So, I go back to my original question:  What would Jesus do? 

Well, He would tell me the same thing He told the adulterous woman in John 8, “Go and sin no more.”  And then He would probably add a few more things to encourage me like:  “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29); “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.”  (Matthew 9:22); and “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Romans 6:23)

Adultery is wrong.  God hates divorce.  No family should be torn apart by human selfishness when God can restore and renew even the most hopeless of situations.  But people screw up.  I do.  You do.  They do.  We all do, because we are ALL miserable sinners.  We cannot change that, it is literally in our DNA, but what we do about that fact is up to us and truly one of the better sides of Free Will.  We can choose to be selfish, or choose to be selfless.  We can choose to accept things as cultural norms, or we can fix our gaze on the Word of God.  We can choose to hold grudges, or choose to forgive.  We can choose to sit and stew in someone else’s filth or choose to be refreshed by the living waters of Christ Jesus.

Is it hard to do the things on the back side of those or’s?  Hell, yes.  (And that is not a phrase I throw around lightly.)  And the closer the sin or the offender is to your heart, the harder still.  But there is nothing new under the sun.  David addressed the pain of close personal betrayal in Psalm 55:12-14 when he wrote:

     It is not an enemy who taunts me –
         then I could bear it;
     It is not an adversary who deals insolently with me –
         then I could hide from him.
     But it is you, my equal,
         my companion, my familiar friend.
     We used to hold sweet converse together;
         within God’s house we walked in fellowship.

Every morning I drop my kids off at school and (among many other things) I remind them to “be nice to mean people, it makes them mad.”  A silly statement perhaps, but a point to be taken to heart.  Proverbs 25:21-22 states, “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap coals of fire on his head, and the Lord will reward you.”  Perhaps it sounds selfish to consciously strive for rewards, but the point is much simpler.  I cannot control other people.  I cannot control their choices or their desires.  I cannot stop things out of my control.  I cannot protect my children from every shock or piece of bad news or hidden truth, but I CAN control myself.  Jesus calls us to rise above.  To see ourselves for what we are, to work on making ourselves more like Him, and to leave the rest to Him.  Just as He healed lepers He reaches out to us and says, “Be clean.”  (Matthew 8:3)

So what do I do about an adulterous relationship which coincides with the demise of my marriage?  I do my best to turn toward Jesus and let Him hold my hand and lead me.  My children have been hurt by many things over the past year and they are not out of the woods yet, but they also have a hand much steadier than my own to hold tight to as they grow.  They have free will just as I do and just as their father does, and they will ultimately have to make their own decisions in whom they will follow and which values they will embrace, but for now I am their most present teacher and role model and I take that job very seriously.  I will do my best to follow the lead of my Savior and teach them His ways as well.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing.  Breathing deep, looking UP and moving on is difficult too.  But nothing is impossible with God.  Better not bitter - that is the mantra.  There is plenty in me that urges me to sit in the filth and let the wounds fester so that I can judge and condemn and plot retribution, but instead I choose to pray.  Even when the only words I have are, "Lord, I choose to pray, but I don't know how." 

If you find yourself in a similar position, I encourage you to pray - the same words if you have to.  Sometimes the words aren't there, but God knows the heart and He will hold your hand and carry you through too.  Don't sit and wallow in someone else's filth.  You are precious and loved and the apple of God's eye.  Instead, know that you are not alone and choose to revel in the love of your Heavenly Father.  I promise, it's a Love worth looking UP to.