So Much More Than Mom

Do you remember when you were a kid and someone would ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Do you remember your answer?  Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, or a nurse, or a flight-attendant or pilot?  Or maybe you dreamed of being a king or a princess - a fairy or a dragon-slayer.  I always said I wanted to be a vet, until I figured out I couldn't stand to see an animal bleed and then I went with "teacher".  But perhaps you were more adventurous than I and answered quickly, "President".  Or perhaps you were more old-fashioned and simply stated, "A mom."  Well, let me ask you this...  Did you get the dream you wished for???

A wise friend pointed out to me the other day that this is the first time in 18 months that I have had the real chance to look forward to the future.  To look past just today or tomorrow, or in some cases just past the next few hours, but really into the future – and the future in front of me now is completely different than the future I was dreaming of 18 months ago.  Everything has changed.  My career path, my retirement plan, my location, my income, my hobbies, my children’s ability to pay for college, my ability to take an uninterrupted shower anytime in the next 15 years…  It is as if the entire space-time continuum has been altered, pulling the rug right out from beneath me, and creating… well, I don’t know what yet.

And yet I do know what I want.  When I really stop and think about it, I still have dreams of what my future may hold - even in this new unknown universe - but even those dreams are completely different than before.  They are simpler.  Sweeter.  Less naive in some ways, but more whimsical is some too.  Definitely more relational and less possessive.  Definitely more eternal than here-and-now. 

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 13:3-4

What I want right now is solid relationships.  I don’t care if I am poor, living month to month with no savings (Sorry, Dave Ramsey), own a house, rent a house, have little to nothing to offer beyond my time, fit into my “work clothes” or have to wear sweats… as long as I have people in my life to share what I do have it’s all okay.  I want my children to be happy, to feel loved, to have strong Christian influences to help mold them.  I want relationships for me – solid, grounded friendships based on such trust that vulnerability can allow us true connections.   I want intimate relationships with people that allow me to be candid and weak as well as strong and sometimes just plain goofy.

It has taken me a long time to pinpoint these desires – not just 18 months, but years – and I truly want to embrace and cherish each moment now that I have.  I love being a stay-at-home mom, I really do, but somewhere around the time my “twins” arrived (Sophie in November 2006 and Becca in January 2007) I let “motherhood” begin to define all of who I was.  And I lost a lot of the rest of myself in the process.  Not surprising considering I was working full-time, had three children age three and under, and my spouse was away from home for weeks and months at a time… but whatever the circumstances that pulled me away, I now seem to be finally finding my way back.  Back into my music.  Back into relationships.  Back into the community around me.  And out of my isolated reclusive existence as “busy mom”.

In just a few days I will be traveling to Tennessee for the Show Hope 10 Year Anniversary Celebration.  I am excited about this opportunity not just because I love Show Hope, but because Show Hope is more than “a movement to care for orphans.”  Show Hope is family and I literally crave the connections and growth that come when I am in that family’s presence.  So, as I get ready to reunite with friends I haven’t seen since visiting Maria’s Big House in 2010, get the opportunity to meet in person other adoptive families I have come to know and love only through Facebook, and visit with Show Hope friends I’ve had the blessing of knowing for ten years, I again find peace in who I am becoming and I’m able to embrace this time and where I am – beyond just “Mom”.

I am often accused of playing “the victim” in the drama known as my marital separation and divorce, but I don’t feel like a victim.  Battered and scarred, yes; but to me the term victim implies weakness, fear and violation.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t see myself as embodying those things.  Perhaps other people do and I have been deluding myself into thinking I am handling things better than I am, but I hope and pray that is not the case because right now I feel much more like a winner than a victim.  I am happy.  I am confident.  I am making peace with my past, and finding rest in my present.  I am settled.  And I am joyful.  I am not perfect, but I am trying.  I am not innocent, but I am forgiven.  And I am loved by the great I Am and there is absolutely no losing in that scenario.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

I was reminded the other day, as I was lamenting feeling guilty about feeling good, that at the end of the day I have three very clear responsibilities in my life.

1)       To be a disciple of Christ.

2)      To raise my children to love and know Christ as their personal Savior.

3)      To follow where God leads me.

Those are three pretty simple and straightforward tasks.  There is nothing in there about marriage, divorce, grieving broken promises, worrying about tomorrow, licking your wounds or feeling sorry for yourself.  Nothing about creating a financial safety net, finding insurance, doing the laundry, cleaning the house or even caring what size clothes you wear.  All of those things may be part of the daily human struggle we face, but they aren’t the most important things at hand.  And honestly, they’re more of a distraction than anything else.

I am a lot of things, but I’m coming to a place where “Mom” is just one of them instead of being the boss of them.  “Single-mom of five” is not the end-all, be-all description I want others to see as defining me.  I am a woman.  I am a musician.  I am a reader, a runner, a chocoholic.  I love to bake, I enjoy a good movie, I could listen to Mozart for hours and enjoy both the symphony and silence.  I am an advocate for orphans, a dog lover, a cat lover, sister, and friend.  I am grossed out by spiders and entertained by hippos.  I am afraid of heights, but get giddy over the idea of visiting Yogurtland or eating a burger.  I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of being swept off my feet, surprised with flowers, taken out to dinner, or simply holding hands in the car with one I love.  I dream of family vacations crammed with quality time not pricey adventures, and I long to be married to a man who values me and shares my passions.  And above all, I am a child of the Father, follower of Jesus Christ, determined to use all that He has given me for His glory. 

The bottom line is this –I am a mom, but I am SO much more too.  It weighs heavily on my heart when I reflect over how much of me got lost in that role over the past few (or 4 or 5 or NINE!) years, but there is also a certain freedom to reclaiming the missing pieces.  And I don’t have to forfeit my Mom status to do so.

God tell us clearly in Revelation 21 that He makes all things new, and that includes ME.  My past does not have to define me.  My mistakes do not have to become permanent pathways.  My poor choices do not have to exist as regrets, but can instead be viewed as teachable moments.  My future is not set in stone any more now than it was 18 months ago, or even 18 years ago…. My future is mine to claim and God’s to provide.

My life may not have turned out the way I expected it to and a smooth journey may have been sidelined by humanity (a few hundred times!), but that doesn’t mean all is lost.  My God is a God of renewal, of restoration and of recreation.  Nothing is impossible with God, and nothing is wasted in His hands.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:8-10

So, where are you in your projected future?  Are things turning out the way you planned?  Better than you expected?  Harder than you hoped?  Maybe they are.  Maybe they’re not.  But in the end none of that really matters.  The more important question to ask is: Are you turning out the way God wants you to?  Are you allowing Him to use the good, bad and unexpected?  Have you given Him the reins and asked Him to lead unchallenged, or are you still chomping at the bit to have it your way? 

No one can answer those questions for you except you, but I challenge you to answer them.  Who are you?  Are you who He wants you to be?  Are you seeking His lead and embracing all of the opportunities He provides, or have you lost sight of yourself among the titles that the world has hung on you and keep tripping over the shoes you think someone else expects you to fill?  If you don’t know, again I challenge you to ponder...  Who are you?  Deep down inside, where the passions God created within you run free…  Are you embracing all of His creation, or getting lost on the narrow road of one aspect?  

Make a list if you want.  Share it with a friend (like I did above) or simply share it with the Lord.  But don’t wait years like I did to face the proverbial music.  I love being a mom and I am blessed everyday by the mere existence of my children and the incredible gift of God entrusting them to me, but I am learning the hard way that even though it’s a blessing, being “Mom” is not enough.  His plan for me includes so much more.  And sometimes you just have to stop and let yourself be the well-rounded child He created you to be.  Let Him be the parent for a while, take time to be the child.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.  He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.  Revelation 21:3-7