I know I often jump-start my writing from songs, but what can I say – that
is just who I am. Music is my love
language (yes, they should add that one to the book...) and it so often pierces straight into my heart and gathers my thoughts
together as if they were just waiting there for someone else to match to a tune. If I can’t explain it, there is almost always
a song I love that can. And that is where I am tonight. As I sit and thank the Lord for all of the
wonderful, faithful, ever-supportive prayer warriors He has placed in my life,
I cannot help but think about the Jason Gray song, No Thief Like Fear, because it explains my earlier concerns
to a “t”.
Fear will take the best of us
Then come back for the rest of us
Its raging hunger never satisfied
It’s closer than a brother
And more jealous than a lover
Who holds you while it swallows you alive
Let down your guard
And it will steal your heart
There’s no thief like fear, no,
There’s no thief like fear, no,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
Several months ago I was talking with my counselor about the
kids going on a two week vacation with their father this summer. There was much to talk about as the situation
as a whole is anything but typical, but our focus at the time was more on me
than the kids. What would I do during
this time? How would I use the time to
refresh my own self? To take advantage
of a two week per year Mommy reprieve?
To renew, rejuvenate, replenish, escape…
And the suggestion was made that once I
dropped off the kids with their father I return home, turn off my phone, lock
up my house and leave town. Seriously,
that is what she said. No kidding.
And I thought she was crazy.
How in all the world would I pull off something like
that? Sure, it sounded great. Fantastic.
Heavenly even, but where in all the world would I go? And how
in all the world would I pay for it? I
can’t even take my family out to eat let alone take a vacation. The only way I got to Nashville was through
the generosity of others. The whole idea
was absurd. So, of course, I simply went back to planning just how much cleaning I could
get done while there were no little people around to unclean behind me and went
to sleep at night dreaming of waking up whenever I wanted to, not when some
child made enough noise to wake the dead.
The truth of the matter, however, was that the entire idea
of planning any type of “treat” for myself was scary. I could pay for it, it just meant delving
into whatever savings I happen to have left and trusting God to cover my back. I could make fun plans, it just meant
admitting that I would be doing so alone
as a single, adult woman rather than having someone else to play along with me. I could even lock up my house and leave town,
it just meant stepping out into my new reality and taking on the world as a
free-agent rather than a wife or mother.
And so I tried to keep going to sleep at night dreaming of waking up
when I wanted to in a quiet house with just my dog and me…
I’ve tried to blame bureaucracy
The week-knees of hypocrisy
The cruel and shifting winds of circumstance
But I know insecurity
Is the worst of my own enemies
He sings his lonely song and I will dance
As he robs me blind
Right before my eyes
There’s no thief like fear, no,
There’s no thief like fear, no,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
...until God took me by the shoulders and gave me a good, hard shake
and a firm (but loving) talking to. Now was the time. Step up. Step out. Do something for me and trust Him like I said I
would. And suddenly the entire journey
played out in front of me.
The fear was
gone. The trepidation of doing something
“crazy” whisked away. Why not? Why not
doing something for me? It’s not like I have
someone to watch the kids all the time. This is it.
Two weeks. That’s what I
get. Why in all of God’s green earth
would I not take advantage of the opportunity He was setting before me and do at least a little something beyond being Mom?
Set me free, set me free
Oh my God set me free
From these chains holding me
Oh my God set me free
Yes,
cleaning out the garage is a good plan, but it can still happen.
There’s no thief like fear, no,
And yes, the
front yard will be far easier to overhaul while I don’t have anyone else to
feed, bathe or monitor for misbehavior citations, but it can still happen too.
There’s no thief like fear, no,
And my
bedroom can still relinquish its role as Hand-Me-Down Central.
There’s no thief like fear, no,
And, who
knows, maybe the other half of my kitchen will finally get painted!
There’s no thief like fear, no,
And God can
work miracles with money too (um, maybe I should read my own blog more)…
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
Seriously, the
possibilities are endless, once that dang fear of failure (also known as
What-if-I-can’t-do-it-myself Syndrome) is kicked aside and put in its place. So, I went out on the ledge… and I
jumped. I made my plans and I trusted
God to provide the means.
I am free, I am free
Oh my God has set me free
From these chains I am released
Oh my God has set me free
I am free, I am free
Oh my God has rescued me
From these chains I am released
For You, my God, has set me free
So, here I am, five months later, gathering gear for my kids’
two week vacation and suddenly realizing just how close my own trip is as
well. And who do you suppose decided to
show its stinky little head today? Well,
that dang, blasted fear of failure, of course.
Like a sideshow heckler peddling the same old tired remarks. How are you going to pay for this? You can’t afford a trip! What happens when your savings are gone? What a selfish use of your money. Shouldn’t you save that money for school
supplies? And the list of doubts lobbed
in my direction goes on and on…
But in reality those doubts are just that – doubts. The voice heckling me from the back of my
mind is not the voice of Truth. It is
simply the voice of Doubt. A master manipulator,
yes, but certainly not a voice to befriend and give power to. Because my God may speak in a quiet whisper,
but He is bigger than even the most obnoxious heckler, and He can provide more
security in an instant than Doubt can generate insecurity in a lifetime. And that, my friends, is exactly why I called
out to you for prayer today.
I know God wants
me to take this trip. I know He will provide the means and the
way. I know that Doubt is simply a
troublemaker looking for something to do with his free time. And I know all of this because my God has
never let me down, He consistently opens doors for me and my family that I hadn’t
even seen in the distance yet, and He has already done so for this trip in a number
of ways. So to Doubt and his little
weapon of fear, I say “See ya! You are
not welcome here!” And I will happily rely
on my Lord and Savior and go on listening to Jason Gray as he sings another
song, On the Other Side.
There is freedom in failing and finding His mercy
And standing in front of His throne
I’m not as big as I thought I was
So I won’t be afraid
No matter what the trouble is I see today
The maker of the mountains, He will make a way
To lead me through the darkness to the other side…
Thank you for standing with me in prayer today. I asked you to tell Satan to “Shut up” for me
and he obviously ran off scared because his voice and doubts have fled the
scene. So, I apologize to anyone who
found fault in my choice of words (my children would scold me to no end if they
knew I used the S-term), but sometimes a good “Shut up!” is just what's needed. Satan has a whole lot to say, but very little
of it actually matters. He will seek and
destroy as long as we let him, but he cannot stand against our true Victor.
On the other side where it’s easier to see the way
His hand provides just in time to save the day
And I realize the mountains I was scared to climb
Aren’t as big as I thought they were
When I’m on the other side
I will run away
from home for a few days while my kids are vacationing. And I will
pay in cash for everything I do and thus choose my adventures accordingly. I will
trust the Lord to open the doors I should enter. And I will
remain in prayer as I look for His lead to follow.
I will not,
however, cave to the pestering of irrational, worldly fears. And I will
not allow Doubt to steal my joy. I will not live under a looming cloud of “what
if’s”. And I will not run scared when Satan tries to use my circumstances to
create seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
The reality is, Satan is just a game player, throwing curve-balls from left-field
trying to distract me from the Truth.
There really are mountains in life, and I really will have to scale even
more than I already have, but that’s all okay.
Because as long as I stand with Jesus the game is already won. I am free and being led sure-handedly to the
other side. And that's all OK by me.
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:19-24
I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. Psalm 89:1
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Because
of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never
fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.I say to
myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:22-24
Curious about the songs? Listen here...
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