Sob Stories or Testimony? You Decide.

One of the biggest differences between my current life and life a mere year ago is the financial aspect of things.  (I know I addressed this in an earlier blog, but that writing was basically from the perspective of fear of the unknown and this time I feel I am writing a bit more from experience and with reflection so please bear with me.)  The fact of the matter is I cannot stand to live my life in survival mode, watch my children hurting, give up all we’ve given up and not at least try to have something good come from it.  Something that can help someone in some way.  Maybe me, but maybe not.  Something that rings true for someone, helps them see things from a different perspective, and hopefully something that illuminates the evidence of God in the most unlikely of places so that when someone else is surrounded by trouble they will remember His faithfulness.

So here I am, stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place.  Do I share details of our life and risk having them labeled as "sob stories" or do I keep everything private?  Do I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine or do I allow people to see the hard stuff and the struggles and give testimony to God's interventions?

If you are reading this you probably already know that I have chosen to share details, to a degree, about certain aspects of my life, but you should also know that I have an ulterior motive.  No, I'm not trying to characterize myself as needy or solicit your pity.  I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or beg for presents.  (No, not even chocolate..)  I’m not trying to be a martyr, get people’s attention or even trick people into saying how strong or how brave I am.  Honestly, I don’t share for any of those reasons.  And truth be told, on the occasion that someone does respond to me in any of those ways I really don’t know how to respond to them.

My honest to goodness, completely legitimate, reason for sharing where we are, what we do, or what we do or do not have is merely so people have a reference point for when God does something amazing and I want to share my excitement and witness to His goodness.  You see, God is good.  Really good.  Beyond believable good.  Great.  Marvelous.  Absolutely FANTASTIC.  And no matter how messed up I am, how sad I feel, how frustrated I get, how scared I can be, how much I worry about my kids, or how limited my view of the future, God doesn’t change.  He is the I AM.  The Risen Savior.  The Prince of Peace.  The Mighty God.  The Everlasting Father.  In a world of doubt and unknowns, He is unchanging.  Unflappable.  Unfailing.  And Unshaken.   As my big girls say every night at bedtime, “He holds us in His hand, He never lets us go, and He NEVER breaks His promises.”  He is the real deal, and He deserves to be praised for all that He does.  And that is why I share.

Honestly, how cool would you think it was that my laundry detergent still has not run out if you didn’t know how many crappy things I’ve dealt with in the past six months?  How excited would you be that someone bought all of my children new shoes if you didn’t know I would have had to pull money from my savings account to do it myself?  How big of a blessing would you think the mailman delivering a box of chocolate was if you didn’t know that my budget expects me to take money from that same savings account at the end of each month just to keep milk and fresh fruit in the house?  You see, events that would otherwise seem trivial or mundane take on a completely different meaning when you put them into perspective.

Recently I was criticized for posting on Facebook that someone had “blessed” my family with tickets to Sea World.  I am sorry if such a gift seemed frivolous or if my public posting about it gave the impression that I am somehow looking for others to give me “stuff” or finding comfort through material gifts, but I can assure you that is not the case.  But just to clear up any confusion, let me lay out a bit of the realities for you…

My kids did not ask for this.  Any of this.  It is not their fault that adult issues have led to adult decisions which have led to life altering changes in their realities.  No, my kids do not need stuff.  They don’t need tickets to the zoo or to Sea World or dinner at a restaurant or a trip to the movies or even an outing to the ice cream store.  But they are kids.  And doing things outside of their own home is what they see as “normal” and fun.  Because they are kids.  And all of them, even Jack, experienced lots of those types of things prior to April of this year, and they simply can’t (and don’t need to) understand the complexities of why those types of things don’t happen anymore.

Now I’m not saying my kids should be concerned about keeping up with the Jones’ or should get everything they want (and I assure you they do not), but it is also a very new reality to them to not have any of those things even in the realm of possibility anymore.  And it is a very new reality to me to be unable to even consider such things.  Remember how I said my monthly budget assumes I will have to take money out of savings just to buy those last couple gallons of milk each month?  Well, guess what?  That’s not because I have budgeted what could be milk money for eating in restaurants, buying new toys, paying for ballet lessons, grabbing a latte, or taking my kids to the movies.  All that budgeted money is going to pay for things like rent, electricity, water, gasoline and a car payment.  You know, all those things that the kids don’t really appreciate we are paying for…  My kids need clothes, food, Band-Aids, toothpaste, and (eventually) even laundry soap, and those needs are what I stretch every dime to cover.  And that, my friend, is why it is such a big deal when outside forces are generous enough to help me provide the un-needs for my five kids.  

Let me give you a few examples.  In July, my brother’s family treated Jack and I to a trip to Legoland.  By coincidence (which I don’t believe in, by the way), the day we went Legoland was trading all tickets for a return trip ticket for another day.  Legoland – not in my budget.  Six free tickets for use this fall – BLESSING.  A friend of ours from Maryland provided money for my entire family to have annual passes for the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park.  Tickets to the zoo – not in my budget.  Free admission to the zoo and animal park for a year – BLESSING.  An anonymous donor gave us $100 worth of Target gift cards the same week my fifth child’s shoes wore out.  New shoes for every child in the same month – not in my budget.  Replacing every worn out pair on the same day – BLESSING.  Finding a new strategy the other day to help Jack feel more secure at home regarding our food supply, I was anxious to jump right in, but being the end of the month money is tight.  Buying unexpected food supplies – not in my budget.  Having an anonymous person send me a $20 bill the same day – BLESSING.  You see, some things just have to be shared.  From the most frivolous things, like amusement park tickets, to the most necessary items, like a personal food supply for an adopted child’s security, God is providing for us in BIG ways.  And the fact that I have yet to actually delve into my savings account as expected to purchase milk is why I feel the need to brag on God so much.  The way we have covered our monthly expenses so far certainly doesn’t make sense on paper, but He is certainly providing.

And all of that is just the financial view.  I have not even approached the issues of trauma and adoption residing in my home.  You have no idea how exciting a trip to Sea World is for four little girls who regularly miss out on simple trips to the neighborhood park because their brother is processing hard things from hard places again.  Or how exciting a shopping trip to buy something for everyone is to a group of kids who go everywhere as a pack of five.  Fact is, finances aside, my kids don’t get out much due to the single-mom aspect, and they put up with way more “not for you today”s than most kids ever dream of.  Honestly, when was the last time you went grocery shopping with FIVE children under the age of 10?  Or to get someone’s haircut?  Or even to a public restroom?  There are five of them and one of me.  Where one goes, we all go.  When one cannot handle the grand scheme of an outing, they all lose out on that outing.  And for the older girls it’s even worse for in essence I have two three-year-olds (and only two hands) so whatever isn’t three-year-old appropriate, no one gets to do.  My kids love to go to the library.  They love to take walks, visit my sister’s house, play board games, and do puzzles; but they also love to get out of the neighborhood and see the world.  So, in my opinion, it would be my own failing to not share God's action in our lives and praise Him for His continuous provision.

So here is what I’m left with.  There are those who are tired of hearing my sob stories.  They think I should just “get over it” and move on already, and they really don’t understand the enormity of all that is out of kilter in my children’s lives right now.  They feel I’m unappreciative of the blessings I don’t publicize and skeptical of those I do.  They will be offended if I continue to make simple statements about needing prayer, but would be more offended if I were to publicize the down and dirty details of the actual need for those prayers.  Needless to say, with those people I will never win.  I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.

But then there are the rest of the people who, I believe, actually understand where I’m coming from.  The whole point is this isn’t about me.  It’s about Him.  It’s about His providence, and His caring, and His complete faithfulness to His promises to provide.  Sure, I’m not really happy right now and I could find things to complain about all day long if I chose to, but what good comes from that?  None.  Zippo. Zilch.  So why bother?  But James 1:17 states that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  And THAT seems far more worthwhile to spend the day talking about.  And, truly, there is no better way to appreciate just how good He is than to compare things to just how different they were before He touched them.

So, I guess this means I keep on telling my sob stories for a while.  Sorry to those who don’t like them.  I guess you will have to find some other blog to read from now on.  But for those of you who are with me in this appreciation of God's mighty hand thing, I look forward to walking along with you a bit further.  Because who knows, tomorrow might just be the day He does something even more incredible and I'm gonna want to tell someone. 

But as for me, I will sing about Your power.  Each morning I will sing with joy about Your unfailing love.  For You have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress.  O my Strength, to You I sing praises, for You, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love.  Psalm 59:16-17

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God.  Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.  2 Corinthians 3:4-5

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:10