Ode to the Deployment Mom

“My heart aches for the families and friends of the group that deployed from my hometown this weekend. To know that pain of saying goodbye, holding on as tight as you can that one last time, with that fear of ‘could this be the last hug and kiss from them I ever get’, ringing in your head. Holding in the scream of PLEASE DON'T Go! Now begins the second part...freaking out every time the phone or doorbell rings, not watching the news, counting the days. It sucks to be left behind, being strong, acting strong, living the day to day with only half of your heart. God Bless you all. Safe travels and safe return!”

A few days ago I started working on this blog, jotting down ideas for my list as they came to me, thinking that maybe someday I would actually get around to finishing it and getting something posted.  Then, about a day later, a friend of mine posted the above quote as her status on Facebook and I realized that I needed to get this done.  There are people out there who need to read what I’ve been brainstorming and who need to know that they are not alone - deployment moms who need those of you who are not currently in deployment mode to understand where they are coming from.  So, here it is – for better or for worse, for clarity or confusion – my Ode to the Deployment Mom. 

One of the most critical pieces of military family life truly is deployment.  Whether a soldier is going away for 6 weeks, 3 months, a year, or more, the job he or she does is important and necessary, heroic and sacrificial, but separating a family is never good.  It’s hard.  And it is certainly not for sissies.  Moms who are mommy-ing in the midst of such a time are in a place far different than the rest of the world simply by nature of the beast. 

Now, as a quick sidebar, I want to be very clear here from the beginning - I do not write any of this blog as a way to complain.  That is not my intention at all.  For all of its many downsides, I truly believe that deployment is a necessary evil.  My husband has a very important job and it is very important that he do it, but in order for him to do it effectively he needs to be where the bad guys are.  So, as much as I would like to have him home for a quaint family dinner every night of every year, I much more desire for the bad guys to stay far away so that my family can have that family dinner safe within the confines of our richly blessed nation.  And, for good and bad, that means Daddy must go somewhere else to do his job.  Yuck for us now, but well worth the price in the long run.

So, here is the deal.  In order for my husband to do his job, he must travel far away for long periods of time.  That leaves me with new orders for my job.  While Daddy is away in the capacity of 24/7 soldier, Mommy’s role changes too.  Once the hugs are given, the last kisses planted, and the bus rolls away, Deployment Mom steps up to the plate and that is a far different creature than regular Everyday Mom.  Deployment Mom has unique challenges and different hurdles to avoid.  She is difficult to pin down as she puts up strong walls around her emotions and hard to read as she paints a smile on her face no matter how the day is really going.  She is cautious with her children, proactive against disappointments rather than reactive due to poor planning, and she can out-plan anyone when it comes to providing meals, rides, activities, and necessary doctor’s appointments for her crew.  But at the heart of all of this, she is very much a lone wolf in her world and she simply needs to know that someone cares and understands that life during a deployment is not like “normal” life.  She just wants someone to truthfully say, “I get it.” 

So that is why I am writing.  For me?  Maybe - I’ve always honestly stated that my writing is mainly my own form of therapy, but I’d like to think for other Deployment Moms too.  When you aren’t in the middle of it, or have never lived through a deployment situation, it is easy to overlook the subtleties of the task or see what is expertly masked.  Most Deployment Moms stand proudly in their ability and desire to serve boldly and hold down the fort at home so that their soldier has one less thing to worry about, but that often means not letting others know the deep dark secrets hiding in the shadows.  So, for those reasons, I have put together a list of characteristics of the typical Deployment Mom as I know her.  There is no hidden agenda here - this is not a cry for help, nor a guilt trip or a list of complaints.  It is merely a list of what deployment life can be like so that those walking through it can see that they are not the only ones experiencing these things and perhaps just one of you reading this will be better prepared to reach out for help and/or to support a Deployment Mom in your life.

The Deployment Mom…

*I stand tall at deployment ceremonies and departures, holding back my true emotions, so that my children will remember what Daddy did that day rather than remember me crying.

*I have a star in my dining room window out of respect for military tradition and loyalty to my husband.

*I cry whenever I hear the Star Spangled Banner and wonder why others do not.

*I sometimes wait for days after an “event” to know if my husband is okay and wasn’t in harm’s way.

*I often wish someone would come take my kids for the day and then feel bad for wishing this because many moms do the single-parent thing all the time

*I stay up late at night because deployment insomnia makes the couch more appealing than a half-empty bed.

*I wait until my children are all seated at the table and eating before I duck around a corner or dart upstairs to cry about feeling overwhelmed or beat down.

*I sleep on my husband’s side of the bed with his pillow because it makes the room feel less empty.

*My children go for days at a time without the opporunity to talk to their father.

*I find it uncomfortable to accept help from others because I know there are other deployment families who need it far more than I do, but I find great joy in delivering a dinner to another family because I know how much it can mean.

*I don’t watch the news because it only breeds worry.

*I have a conscious contingency plan for how I will live, work and provide for my family if my husband does not return from work alive.  

*My children get more excited about the “ringing” sound of Skype than any movie, TV show or toy.

*I get immediately and immensely offended when people flippantly joke about terrorists, wounded soldiers or war in general.

*I don’t need to wonder who today’s heroes are because they are my husband, his coworkers and my neighbors.

*I take no Family Time for granted.

*I have children who sleep with Daddy-dolls and Flat Daddies to help keep the sadness away.

*I take my own car to oil changes, mow my own yard, shovel my own snow, de-ice my own sidewalk, fix my own appliances and kill my own spiders.

*I go to obstetrician appointments alone and wonder if Daddy will be home for the delivery.

*I post photos of every family activity on Facebook not so much for friends but so my husband can be a part.

*I get jealous when other couples have date night, and then feel petty for feeling jealous.

*The hours of my day fly by at the speed of light, but the days on my calendar seem to pass at a snail’s pace.

*I have great empathy for full-time single mothers who are on their own for more than just my calendar-counted days and yet I often feel like I’m the only one doing this.

*I spend a great deal of time praying for safety and protection, safe returns and family reunions.

*I take my children with me wherever I go unless I hire a sitter because there is no one else at home to watch them.

*I do not have the ability to run out late at night for that item I forgot, the last minute school supply, or another gallon of milk.

*I miss half of what’s happening at church each week because I am the only one there to tell my children to sit down, stop talking, clean up a mess, etc.

*I’ve become quite adept at responding to the question, “How are you doing?” with a pleasant upbeat answer even when I feel like I’d rather crawl back into bed for a month.

*I support my husband in his mission 100% and will give my all to keep the home front strong so that he does not feel the need to worry about us.

*I don’t want your pity - I am not suffering, I am doing my job.  BUT I do want your friendship and I covet your support because my job can get very lonely sometimes.

So, there you have it.  Is it a complete list?  No, I’m sure it’s not - I will probably think of 100 more things in just the next day or so.  And does everything here apply to every Deployment Mom?  Well, of course not, everyone’s situation is different.  But hopefully it gives at least a glimpse of the world in which Deployment Moms live.  We are a strong breed, you know.  Tougher than nails and ready for the challenge, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t women and we aren’t human beings.  So, think of those around you.  Who do you know that could benefit from your reading this list?  And who do you not know that you could reach out to and serve?  

Trust me, there are military families all over this country, and there are Deployment Moms in every state.  Don’t let the quiet ones fall between the cracks , those are the ones who need you the most.  Take it from me, I know.  I was her.  It took coming to a military base and living among other military women to realize just how alone I had been through our first three deployments.  I didn’t ask for help because I felt I had no one to ask and usually felt guilty for even wanting to.  So, do me a favor.  Find her.  Find that Deployment Mom who is all alone.  Do what it takes, ask around, read between lines, follow the breadcrumbs… challenge yourself right now to make a difference in just one Deployment Mom’s life.  You will not regret it and you could literally change the course of an entire year of her life.   

And to anyone reading this who currently is a Deployment Mom, I leave you with this final quote.  May it bring you a bit of peace and a small smile knowing that although the hours can seem long, the minutes at the end make it all worth it.

“But now I can accept that during some hours of a deployment, you are not required to be fully self-actualized.  During some of the hours of a deployment, you are allowed to just get through.  And while you’re just getting through, you keep reminding yourself that sometimes all of the traffic lights will be green.  And sometimes you will rock a crying baby to sleep at your breast.  And sometimes you will wake with rain on the window and your love in your arms and it won’t be your turn for deployment anymore.  Get through the hours.  And the happy minutes will come.”  The Homefront Club, Jacey Eckhart, page 76